There are these sorts of people who hang around like gnats. . . doing fly-by’s, buzzing you in your little self imposed ivory tower. . .
you smack your hands together, trying to crush them but they somehow always escape, so you keep trying to smack them between your hands over and over, until you finally believe that killing them is impossible, and they just believe you are applauding them.
Archive for November, 2007
When a relationship ends, you begin to think of all the negative things about that person. Sometimes that’s a coping mechanism that helps you deal with the loss, and sometimes it’s clarity. You must step away from something to truly see it. If you’re glued to the side of something, you really have no idea what the other side of it looks like. But if you manage to rip yourself apart from it, you might lose skin, but the new one you grow will be thicker and more resilient– more capable of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or the loss of a friend.
And is it really a loss, if your newfound clarity tells you about your myopia? Isn’t it more a gain, that you learned from it, that you experienced it fully, and perhaps with the blissful ignorance that sometimes goes hand in hand with loving someone?
In the end, the best we can hope for is that we bring something away from that relationship which serves us in some beneficial way later on. The smart ones among us will never allow ourselves to make the same mistakes and expect different results.
I believe there is someone out there for everyone. More pointedly–someone out there for everyone at each stage in their life. I am not the same as I was 5 years ago, or even one year ago. I am constantly evolving. Constant evolution breeds chain reactions that reach our environment, other people, situations…
Therefore, things shift. Lives re-align.
I also believe that wishes and intentions are powerful. Thoughts are things. I really believe that. So if I keep focusing on what I want, I believe it will happen when and how it’s supposed to. In the meantime, I will try to maintain other quality relationships, continue to be productive and be the best person I can be from day to day.
I half suspect an irony to take place–the woman I intend to meet will probably have no affiliation with the 30 some-odd ads I have up on personal sites. I will probably meet her through some unforeseen synchronicity that can only manifest in the most unexpected ways. In line at a grocery store, or through a friend of a friend, or at a party, or she’ll rear-end me at an stop sign. (Wouldn’t THAT be a great story?)
In String Theory, it’s possible to have many universes right next to each other. These parallel universes can hold all the permutations of my existence, alternate paths not taken here, but maybe taken there.. I find that concept fascinating and even comforting in an odd way. Whatever I may feel is missing in the Universe this “me” is in, those voids are filled in the parallel universe the other “me” is in. What if the love I seek is a few feet away, but I can’t see it? What if by the sheer force of wishing, I can pull that over into this universe? What if all parallel universes can be shared through the power of thought and wishes?
I am currently working on a novella entitled “Quintessence” which deals with this subject.
In my recent quest to overhaul my mental, physical, spiritual, emotional health, i have done tons of research, and have come to several disquieting solutions that sound rather paranoid when i say them aloud to anyone else. But i truly believe in these conclusions i have drawn, and for whatever it’s worth, i mention them here, in case they strike a cord with someone else who is also searching for a higher quality of life, and a more realistic and thoughtful perspective on what is and isn’t true about society and our place in it as evolving beings. These are some conclusions i have come to:
CONCLUSION: The government, i.e., the FDA, are strange and dangerous bedfellows with the pharmaceutical industry, and mainstream medical doctors. It is intuitively counter-productive for an M.D. to heal you, otherwise, his/her job would be in jeopardy. Likewise, the drug industry makes its living off doctors who prescribe their medications. The Food industry needs to keep us eating, so they can maintain their profit margin, so it is in their best interest to put additives in the food that keep us addicted.
CONCLUSION: The Powers-That-Be continue to block the import, development , use and availability of natural substances– herbs, nutrients–even though these things have been used for thousands of years and have an undeniably impressive track record for allowing our bodies to heal themselves. To wit:: how often does a doctor treat a cause, rather than a symptom? How many billions of dollars have we spent on research to cure disease, and how many of them have we actually cured? Aside from maybe polio, um…can’t think of a single one. An interesting side note to that is the mainstream organization that has had the most success with healing cancer patients, has been the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, which incorporates many alternative and natural healing methods along with common treatments….mmmm.
CONCLUSION: Everyone has noticed the disclaimers on drug commercials…they tout the miraculous efficacy of this drug, and then proceed to list the 7 thousand things it can do to you… the rashes, dizziness, insomnia, liver damage, birth defects, and don’t forget ANAL LEAKAGE. These “medicines” create more problems than they alleviate. What kind of sense does that make? And why are they advertising to US? There’s this crisis with so many Americans who are unable to afford medications, but had they not been brainwashed from square one, perhaps they wouldn’t need those medications in the first place. If we, as a society had taken the reins of our own healthcare, we would not be dependent on the government, or corporate interests to ensure our well-being. It’s not too late to change all that, but it would mean taking charge and making some decisions. If we simply stop supporting all that subterfuge and misinformation, we’d have a chance. Success is the best revenge.
CONCLUSION: Artificial sweeteners…that’s a category unto itself. All the artificial sweeteners were developed ostensibly to help us lose weight, and yet, they are simply another set of toxins that actually make our bodies GAIN weight. In the immortal words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic. Don’t cha think?” Did you know that aspartame was once listed as a biological weapon by our own government? So is this some sort of slow-moving genocide, now that they endorse it? According to Dr. Joseph Mercola, author of The Total Health Program, “Aspartame accounts for over 75 percent of the adverse reactions to food additives reported to the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA). Many of these reactions are very serious including seizures and death as recently disclosed in a February 1994 Department of Health and Human Services report.(1) A few of the 90 different documented symptoms listed in the report as being caused by aspartame include: Headaches/migraines, dizziness, seizures, nausea, numbness, muscle spasms, weight gain, rashes, depression, fatigue, irritability, tachycardia, insomnia, vision problems, hearing loss, heart palpitations, breathing difficulties, anxiety attacks, slurred speech, loss of taste, tinnitus, vertigo, memory loss, and joint pain.
According to researchers and physicians studying the adverse effects of aspartame, the following chronic illnesses can be triggered or worsened by ingesting of aspartame:(2) Brain tumors, multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, chronic fatigue syndrome, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s, mental retardation, lymphoma, birth defects, fibromyalgia, and diabetes.
Aspartame is made up of three chemicals: Aspartic acid, phenylalanine, and methanol. The book, Prescription for Nutritional Healing, by James and Phyllis Balch, lists aspartame under the category of “chemical poison.” click here for the full article by Dr. Mercola
This, when a perfectly wonderful natural sweetener called Stevia, a plant indigenous to Paraguay, solves all those problems. This particular plant has been beaten away from the U.S. borders for years, and has only recently been allowed as a supplement, not a food. It’s been used for 17 years in Japan alone, with no ill effects. It’s 300 times sweeter than sugar in its natural state, helps prevent tooth decay, lowers blood pressure, regulates blood sugar, is safe for diabetics and hypoglycemics, has been shown to be an antibacterial and antiviral agent, as well as an effective skin medicine, and has no calories or carbohydrates. It can be easily grown here (even in a container in your sunniest room–which i am going to start doing when the seasons change).
CONCLUSION: A man from an oil family, who is in the highest position of power, is not likely to make decisions based on the greater good of the people, but rather the greater good of his pocketbook, if this family income resource is threatened.
CONCLUSION: A man who has failed at every business venture he’s ever undertaken, could not possibly have acquired the highest office in the land without the benefit of dishonesty, deck-stacking, cheating, and a good-ole-boy network to manipulate the polling machines…(did you know that his FRIENDS own most of those machines?) And for the first time in electoral history, the exit polls simply didn’t match the actual tallies. Now, why would someone lie about who they voted for? Maybe they would if they had been held at gunpoint by republican terrorists….but there was no mention of this in the often slanted and incorrect news media….This cheating is the only explanation… Otherwise, the majority of those who went to the polls are total idiots, and i still hold out some hope that this statistic is yet to be a reality. When people complain that their vote doesn’t count, they were wrong. It’s really that it doesn’t GET COUNTED.
CONCLUSION: A man who bases an entire war on the presence of WMD’s, and is proven wrong, should learn his lesson and cut his losses. Instead, he maintains the lie, and then is incapable of providing help to his own at home when something like, say, a DEVASTATING HURRICANE wipes out several major cities and renders hundreds homeless or DEAD. Could the lack of government response be because ALL OUR MILITARY WAS FIGHTING FOR ANOTHER COUNTRY’S people? How humiliating, yet at the same time endearing, touching and encouraging, that civilians, celebrities, and other are the ones who provided help to coastal hurricane victims. My best friend, her partner and their daughter were among the ones affected; they lived in Gulfport. They live here, now, and are lucky they had this place to come to, but many others were not so lucky, and it didn’t have to be as bad as it was. I mean, it’s not like this was an unnoticed ASTEROID that plummeted to the Gulf Coast. There was plenty of warning (even though much of it was under-reported by the media). All this HOMELAND SECURITY stuff is just a big joke. Does the Administration-From-Hell not realize that a deadly hurricane falls under the purview of Homeland Security? (I’m glad i moved here from Gulfport myself a few years ago. If i had been caught in Katrina, i would likely be dead by now, since i depend on thyroid medication. If i had been there, and lost those meds, i would have fallen into a coma. Might be a moot point, though, because i would have evacuated).
CONCLUSION: Most ironic song, considering recent events: “I’m Walking on Sunshine” by KATRINA AND THE WAVES
CONCLUSION: Most people who have children possess abhorrent, retarded, ineffective, non-existent and damaging Parenting Skills. It’s time to stop blaming it on the “bad seed theory” and roll up sleeves and start taking parenting as what it is::the most important job in the world.
CONCLUSION: If someone on an Online personals/dating site doesn’t have, or won’t send you a picture, it’s because they are either obese, ugly, not who they say they are, or all three.
CONCLUSION: our entertainment media, most notably the movie industry, has been reduced to the repetition of several themes that are repeated ad nauseum and only serve to engender feelings of fear, anger, disgust, and a front row seat to the underbelly of humanity. Try to find a movie that is not about the following:
…serial killers…murder in general…the mafia…violence in general…drug addiction…alcoholism…violence against children….or the inane behavior of puerile adults who never grew up.
The news media is also guilty of this. I can’t believe that there’s nothing good to say on a newscast. Wonderful things happen all he time. Good people do good things, and there is still laughter and hope out there. Why don’t we see it? The Media is supposed to be a reflection of who we are as a society. If this is true, then the mirror is filthy and it needs to be taken down and replaced with a new mirror.
Not only that, but it seems that every time i try to find alternatives on “other” channels, i am met with an equally limited choice of programs. I remember a time when i could always find something enlightening, entertaining, interesting, on TLC, the Discovery Channel, The History Channel. Now, all i have to choose from is Various depictions of the horrors of the Holocaust, weapons of mass destruction, Real Sex, American Chopper, Monster House, Monster Garage, contests that involve the debasing of humans by the imbibing of insects, feces, raw carcasses; or the communion with snakes, spiders, dung beetles, scorpions, etc. Must i be reduced to watching the Food Network or Home Shopping to get away from it? That can make you fat and broke. The only relief i get is Comedy Central and HBO Comedy, who offer Jon Stewart’s Daily Show, and Stand-up Comedy, and Bill Maher.
Be all that as it may, i don’t live as a jaded person, rather i live as an informed, self-actualized and proactive person. I may not attend rallies, or lead grassroots attacks on the Establishment, but in my corner of the world, i incite change. I’ve begun the process of growing my own food, using only natural cleaners, researching and creating Neuro-linguistic Programming CD’s that allow my own mind to dictate my health and well-being, and finding natural alternatives for almost every area of my life that once depended on the mindless lemming-esque Red Rover game that ends with me falling over the precipice.
Hurricane Katrina and the Bush Administration
“We had to kill our patients.”
Testimony of Representative Bernard Sanders Before the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation
The Medical System is the leading cause of death and injury in the U.S.
How To Take The Drug Industry Down Nine Notches
The FDA and Stevia
Laws of the Pharmaceutical Industry
Drug Industry Lies About New Drug Research and Development
Recently, I was offered a publishing contract on my novel Achilles Forjan. I allowed myself to get all excited and when the hard copy of the contract came, I realized it was not the same as the “sample.” I didn’t like the idea of handing over the rights to my own book for SEVEN years. I didn’t know this publisher well enough to entrust my work for such a long time. And then there was being at the mercy of their idea of what my work was, what it should look like, how it should be edited, and then how I’d get 10-15 percent of the profit on each book. The book I SLAVED over. The book that came from my guts. The one that cost me several years of my creative life. That book that is a piece of me as surely as if I had given birth to it. It was one of my literary children.
And this deal would include very little, if any, marketing efforts on their part. Those perks are reserved for the cash cows like Dean Koontz and Nora Roberts. Rightfully so, as they have proven their profit viability in the marketplace. I’d still have to do the interviews, the book signings, the business cards, the web page…
There were other things that just didn’t feel right, too. My gut told me to refuse the contract. I always listen to my gut. It wasn’t a pleasant decision, though. Making a decision like that is sort of like being pecked to death by chickens. How long had I waited for an opportunity like this? For years, I have intentionally avoided pitching my material because I wanted to feel like it was worthy enough to compete. Now that I feel I am a good enough writer to publish my work, I’m faced with the usual slings and arrows a writer faces when trying to make it to print. There are so many talented writers out there, but most of them don’t get into the right door, largely because of the politics of the publishing industry.
The advent of self-publishing has offered control back to the creator. (I don’t mean God, I mean the writer…writing is, metaphorically speaking, quite like playing God…but that’s for another blog). Now if we could only get past the stigma of it all. The stigma that says if you have to publish your own work, it must suck. That is sometimes true. But in many other cases, it is not. James Redfield (Celestine Prophesy) self-published first. So did John Grisham (he sold copies of A Time to Kill from the trunk of his car), as did Deepak Chopra, Mark Twain, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Edgar Allen Poe, Benjamin Franklin, Stephen Crane, Beatrix Potter, Margaret Atwood, Amanda Brown (Legally Blond). It’s a great way to test market, and often, self-published books get picked up by traditional publishing houses. So stigma be damned.
I began the task of being my own publisher. Then a funny thing happened. I fell in love with the process. I discovered a formidable affection for being in control of the editing, typography, formatting, design of my own work. And I resolved to get all my completed or nearly-completed work in print and continue to do that with forthcoming material. This has translated into 100 hour weeks. But I am loving it. I feel permeated by satisfaction. It’s always been about getting my work out there, not getting rich off it. I’m not delusional. Having come close again to being sucked into the literary abyss of greed, and allowing my work to be corrupted, pigeon-holed, and packaged by strangers who take most of the profit, I managed to pull myself back, regain my footing. I can do this myself.
So. The self-published copies will be used to fish for a literary agent. It’s cheaper that way anyway. There’s a reason why writers are historically poor, downtrodden, and half-insane addicts. It’s because it’s so hard and so expensive to get their work noticed. These days, it’s still expensive. It costs upwards of $40 to send a manuscript to just ONE publisher or agent, when you include paper, ink, copying, postage, etc. One inkjet cartridge, for example, costs me $30 of that. So the point is, it’s more economical for me to publish on Amazon’s CreateSpace, buy a copy of it for $4 or $7 or $10 and mail that.
In the old days, before computers, the craft of writing was even more arduous and tedious and time consuming. Imagine hand-writing a 300-400 page manuscript and then spilling your coffee on it. Imagine typing the same amount, and then realizing you have to do a major rewrite, and that means typing it all again. And you could spill your coffee on that, too. My best friend, who is also a writer, used a typewriter up until 4 years ago. She had turned over six of her manuscripts to her new agent, and he was in such a hurry to get to New York for his meetings, that he didn’t make copies of them. Then POOF. Something weird happened; he had some sort of mental breakdown, or was abducted by aliens, or otherwise fell off the face of the earth, and she never could find him after that. Imagine. Six full novels. Gone. She’s been flirting with rewriting them for the last four years, and has done some of it, along with new material, but you never quite get over something like that. It’s like having someone rip out your spleen.
I will continue this quest, and if, along the way, some agent or publisher sees my work and deems it suitable for representation and then negotiates a lucrative and satisfying alliance that will bring us both joy and a plethora of meaningless material possessions, I’ll seriously consider it.
In the meantime, it’s still about the WRITING.
To purchase my books and music, go to http://jaebaeli.com
Doing so will ensure blessings on you and yours, and the quality of your life will magically improve.
I have always been interested in the subject/discipline/pseudo-science of psychology.
I have been through my own dark nights of the soul. I have had various diagnoses for conditions caused by biology, physiology, environment, upbringing, life challenges and issues…most of us have. But in going through all of these, I made a concerted effort to understand myself, the effect that various experiences had on me as an individual, and I explored every possibility and option for healing myself, without allowing myself to entirely fall prey to the victim mentality that I was completely helpless.
I have also known many people who struggled with various psychological issues, and I have endeavored to understand them as well, as someone on the outside, looking in. Frankly, I think that mental and emotional instability is more prevalent in our society than ever before. Part of that, I believe, is the nature of our society–what our society has become in response to technological growth, the nature of being in a “global village,” and all the demands of life that seem more and more urgent and taxing.
I have been asked for advice many times about how to deal with people who are behaving in a certain way that is damaging to themselves, their relationships or to other people. This is because I have made no secret of my experiences in that regard, and I am happy to provide insight whenever asked. I have been on both sides of that coin. While I don’t have all the answers, I do believe I have a few. With that in mind, I want to share a couple of situations that seem to arise the most.
- If you find yourself dealing with someone who is unstable, and you suspect they might have some kind of disorder– whether personality disorder or some other organic brain issue–be aware that you should mention it, but that timing is crucial.
Let’s say you are in a new sexual relationship, and your partner is manifesting some odd psychological symptoms. You want to mention it, talk about it, offer a suggestion that they talk to their doctor about it– whatever the case may be. One caveat is this: don’t EVER bring it up while that person is “Triggering” (manifesting those symptoms and in a negative state of some kind). They will be incapable of processing the information in a healthy way. The best time to bring this up is AFTER you have had sex, and she has had an orgasm.
(for real, I mean it).
The reason is, her positive/euphoric brain chemicals (neurotransmitters and neuropeptides, mostly) will be flooding her brain–dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine–some of them, the same chemicals that are normally unbalanced. She will be much more likely to be receptive to a difficult subject. (If she responds with resistance, saying you are ruining her good moment, or the like, then just know that you probably have no other recourse, as she must meet you halfway in order to make any positive changes. You have then made an effort to do the right thing, and you can walk away with no regrets, or should-haves lingering in your mind).
Also, DON’T have this conversation in BED. Suggest the two of you go into the living room, have a glass of wine, and talk on the sofa.
The reason for this is, you don’t want to create a contradictory or negative association between love/sex and pain/discomfort. Creating this negative association can adversely affect the sense of comfort, safety and pleasure that should reside in the bed.
Also be aware that if this person is unwilling to seek help, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. Improvement only follows their own ability to be proactive and help themselves.
- Often, the negative behaviors of people are predicated on their own damage. If someone is treating you with disregard, is being abusive, disrupting your stability, being insensitive, passive aggressive or otherwise becoming a toxic element in your life, you have the right and the responsibility to demand better. This usually means walking away from that person, and never looking back. You truly do teach people how to treat you, and if you allow mistreatment, it’s the same as telling them it’s okay to treat you badly.
- If you are dealing with some kind of disorder yourself, then know that no matter what others may tell you–professionals and laymen alike–you DO have the power to turn it around, and create at least a portion of the life you would like to have. Hiding it will never be an effective means of dealing with it. Sooner or later, you will not be able to maintain consistency and the truth will emerge, and is likely to damage anything positive you might have created up to that point.
We are all struggling. We are here to learn and evolve. If at any time we cease to do that, we are merely going through the motions, and not really living at all.
The human mind is a fascinating, and as yet, largely uncharted mechanism. What we do know about it is incredibly inspiring, interesting and helpful. What we don’t know is the promise of a deeper understanding of ourselves and our place in the Universe and on this particular time-space continuum. Don’t think for a moment that everyone else but you is stable and healthy. We all have our issues. The only difference is in how we choose to deal with them. That’s the distinction that can create a life of pain, strife and conflict, or a life of joy, love and happiness.
Take one part sexual frustration, two parts loneliness, three parts overwhelming need to be needed and wanted, add an overzealous good-timer and beer, stir vigorously. Simmer well in a bed of cotton sheets, and you have a recipe for disaster.
When one hits the bottom of the Desperation Barrel, there is always someone down there.
Sometimes we make ill-advised choices based on the ingredients we allow ourselves to stock. While we might not be proud of these one night stands that last months or years, we must appreciate the educational value of such an excursion. If we learn our lessons well, we will be loathe to cook that dish again.
How do we stay balanced in our understanding of success? Is success represented by money?
by acknowledgment of others?
by how many people love us?
by our contribution?
does it matter to someone?
does it matter to a great many someones?
Perhaps I should never make my artistic endeavors a source of income. Perhaps I should just be what I am: retired. . . someone who enjoys writing and recording music for friends or to give as gifts, creating art, writing books, and going to flea markets and buying and selling on eBay. . .I have a peaceful environment, plenty to keep me interested and busy; a few close friends, pets I adore, the ability to walk around outside in beautiful surroundings and take a deep breathe and just be in the moment.
The only thing that’s missing for me, then, is the right “someone” to share it with. But my standards are so high, that my odds are low. I have to cling to the belief that the universe has a wisdom beyond my comprehension, and when it is time for my person to waltz into the room, she will, and I won’t be OUTSIDE in my beautiful surroundings, taking deep breaths and being in the moment.