NOTE: So, in my seeking help when i needed it, for my recent betrayals and abandonments, the counselor i went to see called the next day to inform me she couldn’t see me anymore and for a really stupid reason. I tried to reason with her on the phone, but she had to stand by what she felt was her principals, but which was only LOFTY IDEAS getting in the way of her ability to give the actual care she had sworn to as a medical professional. Finally frustrated beyond words and feeling even worse, i hung up on her. The next day, i got this mail. My answer follows below.
Jan 20, 2012
Jan 20, 2012
Strange. I just sat down to write to you, as well. Thank you for being the sort of person who follows up. That part is much appreciated.
Now, to clarify, I hung up on you because you had planted your feet and there seemed to be no reason to belabor a point you were incapable of exploring, even when I was willing to compromise. And in my emotional state, I was afraid to let the resulting impact of that escalate. It was best to “walk away.” But I couldn’t do that, because it was a phone call, so hanging up was my way of simply walking away. But I also realized you did not/do not know me, and so I decided I should explain myself in the best way I know how (writing) so that this chapter can have some closure. I don’t like leaving things undone.
Let me just say that I appreciate your stated reasons for the ultimatums you gave me, however, I cannot appreciate, nor accept the underlying truth that keeps those ultimatums from being thoroughly-reasoned-out conclusions. Disjunctive reasoning is a valuable skill that has saved me on many occasions, and I only wish you had been able to employ it as well. I will tell you exactly WHY your conclusions are ultimately not applicable:
a) I have had guns all my life. I grew up having them as a child, I have a healthy respect for them. I have also, as an adult, always had a handgun for personal protection since that incident in the early 80’s. I have had plenty of emotional/mental provocation to use one of them against myself, if that’s the type of person I am. I have not.
b) If you were able to destroy or otherwise remove any and all guns from my possession, or even do that also for everyone else in the world, it would not prevent someone from committing suicide, if that is their true intent. There are a million ways to die. If I wanted to die, I could simply fling myself in front of a Mack truck. DONE. Ergo, I firmly believe that guns do not kill people, people kill people.
c) I made a decision long ago after that attack in Oklahoma, that I would never put myself in that foolish position of being defenseless against the violence present in this world and in some evil people. I was naïve at the time and had no cognizance that such things were truly sprinkled around everywhere, and could actually endanger me. Part of growing up. I will make no excuses for that decision, as I feel it is a wise one, and the right one for me. For me, the definition of stupidity (not insanity) is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. For me to continue my life without protection, after what that experience taught me, would have been the definition of stupidity. I am many things, but stupid is not one of them. You cannot ask me to place myself in danger just to satisfy some erroneous idea you have about proper ethical concerns of your profession, when it might not always apply. That was inherently myopic of you.
I contacted you simply because I needed a friend and my current friends did not step up to the plate (their failing, not mine, as I have always been there for my friends [if they ARE my friends] no matter how uncomfortable it was for me, because I believe that is the very heart of friendship, and it’s also the person I choose to be). You were to be that surrogate friend, until I got my footing again. I did not reach out to you because I was suicidal. That was your assumption. Perhaps you had no way of knowing this because of how I sounded when I left the message—but I am an HSP and I allow myself to have my feelings, and they are sometimes (perhaps too often for my own good) that raw, and that’s the place I was in emotionally. I went to you in the practical sense, because I needed immediate attention, and for frequent intervals for a period of time, and could not get that at the VA because they are understaffed and there are so many veterans who need help. I went to you in the personal sense, because of my feelings of sadness and disillusionment, but mostly to deal with the sense of betrayal and abandonment. Then you informed me you could not see me if I had guns, after I had opened myself up to you in trust, and then exacerbated this by calling my counselor at the VA. Again, more betrayals, in my mind–emotionally. It was not your place to do that. Imagine my dismay when I took responsibility for myself, and was proactive, and the new therapist I reached out to, gave me still another example of those two vexations for my heart, mind and spirit.
This is not the way to gain the trust you so desire of your new patients. And as I pointed out, there’s a flaw in the logic, when you can ultimately do nothing to prevent someone from killing themselves if they really want to die. Your position, as I see it, is to give them reasons not to feel it is a solution, not to throw fuel on that fire.
Thus, open and honest is apparently no longer serving me. I did that with my best friend, telling her how I felt, and she turned it into something about her and betrayed me and our friendship and this has caused me great pain. This is why I needed some help—because the very thing I needed most was ironically the thing that caused the immediate problem.
I have reinvented myself many times, as conditions demanded, and I can do it again. Perhaps it’s time for me to join the masses and start playing those hold-out games, because it is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am (especially as an HSP) much too sensitive to withstand the salvo that seems to naturally result. I will have to start protecting myself more by holding back. I never liked how that felt, but I like very much less the result of my honesty and openness when it seems so many are able to take that information and inflict more harm. I have always blogged, and included in my books, every nuance of what I experience and feel; most directly in blogs—all those entries where I reveal myself in hopes that it might help someone else see that they are not alone in the human experience of isolation, or pain, or despondency, or anger. So I will now be making a private blog—private for ME. Anonymous, without my name or identity attached. That way, I still might be able to help someone else, without putting myself before a Grand Jury who will judge me based on their own biases, and not on the individual truths that reside in all of us. As I’ve said before, you have to recognize your truths in the daylight, before you can find them in the dark. Insofar as honesty with other people goes, I have also always said, I am only responsible for being honest, not for someone else‘s reaction to my honesty. But I can see now, that as honorable and ethical as that position is, it does not always translate well in this world when the result is more damage to ME.
I started my writer’s group for myself, yes, because I needed to get back into my passions and joys, for my own well-being, but I started it equally for the purpose of helping others because I knew that doing that would be good for them. And I don’t like the idea that anyone has ever felt the things I have. I won’t be that ghost that vanishes in their lives when the going gets tough. I will do what I have to do to survive, as I always have, because that’s who I am at my core. But I will not allow myself to walk around without skin anymore.
And I will let go of this idea that there are professional therapists who can really help me anymore than I can help myself. Crisis is the only time I reach out, because I don’t feel I can access those parts of myself when I am in that mode, and I need a steadying presence to help me do that. Friends have been that for me, but sometimes they are not there when that onslaught come around the bend.
I hope that helps to clarify my position on this situation.
Thank you for your time.