2012 April | Synaptic Circus of Kelli Jae Baeli

Neuro-Geological Translocation Syndrome (with a side of Hope-smothered Fear)

Melissa Etheridge is Brave & Crazy. Why not me?

If I could have my way I’d check out right now I’d say out to lunch honey thanks a bunch It wouldn’t work out anyhow But this desire’s too much It’s rented out my brain It’s showing previews of your body Driving me insane And that’s crazy So all that I can do Is to beg, plead, won’t you tell me please What am I gonna do About you Brave….and crazy…

The changes on my personal horizon are formidable. And I’m not oblivious enough to march blithely through my life with no regard for the value of reality checks. I have my feet firmly in reality all the time, except for those moments when I knowingly allow my more fanciful nature to take over. Reality and Fancifulness… I’m knee deep in Fanciful Reality, I suppose, because both are happening right now. I am allowing my heart to feel, to have hope, to dream of the future wistfully, rather than claw away from the future in nightmares. And I am planning, thinking, devising, strategizing, researching, brainstorming to make it all happen in the quickest, most painless way possible.

On one side, there’s this person who came into my life like full-blown technicolor against the backdrop of grayscale, and she gave me back my hope. She exemplified the tenuous nature of love, and how any alternative path or decision, no matter how minute, might mean the difference between meeting your soulmate and not meeting her. She embodies the Quixotic list of characteristics i made years ago, when considering what the perfect mate for me would be like. And on the other side, there are so many unknowns. So many things that are for me a collection of the most terrifying specters possible for someone like me. I am aware that I tend to have a lengthy list of things that scare me. This, even though I think I have fleeting moments of courage. One friend once said to me, during my relocation to Denver, “You are the bravest person I know.” I didn’t really think I deserved the label. I had to ask her why and she pointed out that I had picked up and moved to another state, all alone, knowing no one there, dealing with all of it myself, 30 hours of driving, and while also being a person prone to panic attacks–and all because I wanted to find my life partner, and I just knew she had to be out there somewhere. Well, fair enough. I guess that was brave. Maybe I am brave. Maybe I’m also a little crazy. Brave and crazy. It continues to come back to that. Perhaps the battle between love and fear requires brave and crazy.

I have been experiencing anxiety, what can be described as a low frequency humming in my consciousness that underlies all other emotions. Not surprising, since the usual paradigm of my life has been up-ended. All my comfort zones infiltrated by possibility, but also the unknown. And isn’t it the unknown that most often frightens us? I would never have imagined visiting another country–the idea was at once frightening to me. And yet, here i am making plans to not just visit, but MOVE to another country–one at “the bottom of the world” as AmericaCentrics are fond of saying. New Zealand. My Kiwi partner and I often rib each other about those perspectives:

“You’re at the bottom of the world…”

“No YOU are.”

…and even had this conversation, which I shamelessly used in our upcoming co-authoring project, Hanging the Moon:

Lily took a curve, and Jade’s hand went involuntarily to the dash, as if expecting an impact. “This is so weird because you’re on the wrong side of the road.”

“No, ” Lily quipped back. “I’m on the left side of the road.”

“Right, which is the wrong side.”

“No it’s the right side.”

Jade shot back, “I thought you said it was the left side?”

They both burst out laughing with delight.

I admit to a generous portion of fear in my brain. I am afraid of heights. I am afraid of flying. Afraid of being helpless, trapped. Of not being in control of my immediate environment. Most of this stems from my brain architecture as an HSP with Sensory Processing Sensitivity. But for me, as I try to discern what this feeling is like–this moving to another country– it feels like migrating to another planet. An earthlike planet where the locals speak English, even though a modified version filled with colloquialisms with which I am not familiar, and with accents derived from Britain. It’s not like the air there will have different percentages of oxygen or hydrogen, nor that the grass is blue and the sky green, nor that I will be required to learn how to maneuver in a space suit. Nothing so dramatic as that. But there will be, I surmise, a certain geographical confusion that will take some getting used to.

That even happened as I arrived in Denver the first time. It seemed so HUGE, and I was so displaced, and overwhelmed by it. Within a few weeks, it didn’t seem so big anymore, didn’t feel so foreign, but perfectly normal. Funny, how the human brain does that. Let me just coin a phrase, here, and call this Neuro-Geological Translocation Syndrome. The point is, human perception is different in initial exposure to a new environment, than it is after the environment becomes more familiar. I noticed that as my brain adjusted, my neighborhood and the surrounding areas seemed to contract; appearing not so expansive as it did when I first arrived.

That slight digression aside, I know that the same will be true when I board that plan to New Zealand, and will continue when I disembark, and on into a period of time when I arrive at the house I will be living in with my partner.

And in New Zealand, I know there will be products I don’t recognize, customs I find strange, and I will not have access to all those creature comforts and conveniences that served to soothe or steady me. I will likely make my coffee in something called a “coffee plunger” or “press pot.” Coffee grounds are dipped into a usually cylindrical carafe Kiwis call a “jug” and then a plunger presses the grounds to the bottom, and you pour the strained coffee out into your cup. Quite a different concept than the American Mr. Coffee drip brewing system, which most of us use on a daily basis. To say that there will be an adjustment period, flirts with piquant understatement.

But as I awakened this morning from a dream of reciting vows with my partner on a beach near the Moeraki Boulders, I see that the wonder and beauty of true commitment and partnership is quite capable of trumping any visceral, primal fears I have about moving through that unfamiliar landscape toward my future. I will be free of the rat race cacophony found in the cities ( honk honk! fuck off!) and into a more idyllic and serene environment, which is more suited to my nature. I am already feeling the relief from purging all the material possessions I have carted around for so many years. It’s liberating. And yes, still frightening. But that doesn’t mean I have any intention of second-guessing the decision I made. I will do what I have to do to be with the person I have grown to love more deeply than I ever thought possible. I will face that screaming fear head-on, for the reward that it will bring. Not doubting for an instant that it is something I must do, and that I will forever be glad I did.

Be the first to like.

April 29th, 2012

AUTHORS, BOOKS, Building Character, CHALLENGES & MISHAPS, change, chemistry, commitment, domestic partnership, EMOTIONS, fear, Fiction, Hanging the Moon, hope, independent author, Kate Genet, Kelli Jae Baeli, love, New Zealand, RELATIONSHIPS, Resurrection Sticks, romance, soulmates, WRITING

Of Authors & Soulmates

I have always had a long list of book projects waiting for my attention–some are on hold because Rsticks_6x9frcvr_OCT12_248 I got stuck on them, some on hold because I haven’t found the right frame of mind, and some, because another project popped up that struck my fancy. Resurrection Sticks, was one of those Writerous Interruptus species, and it only took me a week to write this novella. It took on a life of its own and I just let it lead me.

I had been looking through files of notes on ideas, and came across a dream I had about what I could only call “resurrection sticks.” I thought maybe I could get a short story out of it. Many of my ideas come from dreams–when i can remember them, that is… So, I decided to try to write a story about these sticks…Once I got started, though, it became a bigger project and so I just willingly let it take me where it wanted to go. I love it when that happens.

My partner Kate, was also finishing up a book (Building Character) and hers became more than she thought, as well. But while mine was just around 30,000 words, hers became 117,000 before it was over. As authors, we must always allow the story to be as long as it needs to be to tell the story, and there’s usually no way to know what that’s going to be until it’s all over and the smoke clears.

One thing I learned about her that I found intriguing was that her writing method was different from mine, though we both achieve the same result. She is one of those write-straight-through authors. She writes, and doesn’t go back and change things or adapt things–the story just comes out and it is surprisingly clean, needing little editing. Mine, however is a series of scenes–dialogues, events, character backstory, and I have to weave them together somehow, find the connections and come up with some kind of sensible interplay among all the elements; this, while allowing the characters to take me along on their story. Whatever develops usually means I have to go back and alter something, add something, take something away, make it all fit somehow. The crafting I do is hard work. I am jealous that so much of her story comes out well-wrought on the first pass. There are even red herrings and foreshadowing in her story that work nicely some 10,000 words later when something else new happens on the page as she types. It’s fascinating. Did I say that I’m very jealous? I guess that makes me a made-writer and her, a born-writer. I am just amazed that on some subconscious level, her story develops in such a linear fashion…unlike mine, which includes me trying to fit square pegs in round holes. I wonder how other writers are in this regard. So I’m interested in how it will be for us writing a book together, and if those two methodologies will harmonize. With just the initial collaborations we’ve done, it seems our styles will work well together.

Now we’re both sort of taking a break for a day or two before we tackle the co-authoring project on our book, Hanging the Moon. I’m excited about the project.

This is going on amid my plans to move to New Zealand to be with her permanently. So much going on right now. I feel as though I’m preparing to relocate to another planet. When you’ve never been out of the U.S., and sudden;’y you’re going to another country to live for an indefinite period of time, all within a new relationship with my dream-woman, whom I thought I’d never find, it can be a lot to assimilate. My head is spinning. So much will change. All my created comfort zones will have to be tossed out the window, and I will have to reframe it into an adventure, instead of something really scary. The one thing I am certain of, though, is the one thing that makes it all worth it. I have found my soulmate, and I get to be with her, build a life. Two writers who are so much alike, and understand each other as if they share some of the same brain cells…it truly is a chance of a lifetime and I don’t intend to let it slip by. That alone is enough to justify what she and I often call being Brave and Crazy. Life is short, and when you find the one you’ve waited for all your life, all the sacrifices seem negligible, and all the other things you felt were so important seem to pale in comparison. My life is about to change in the most drastic way, and I am still happier than I ever thought possible.

Be the first to like.

April 24th, 2012

blurbs, BOOKS, Fiction, Kate Genet, Kelli Jae Baeli, Lesbian fiction genre, lesfic genre, PUBLISHING, Resurrection Sticks, science fiction genre, speculative fiction genre, WRITING

2 Comments »

Resurrection Sticks final stages

Finished with the new novella, Resurrection Sticks, except for the final editing and getting ready for digital publishing. Then will have to format it for print publishing and go through that process, so it will be a few weeks or so before it’s available in print. But that’s the quickest I’ve ever written a novella. Think it was about a week.

Here’s the blurb (written by Kate Genet) Rsticks_6x9frcvr_OCT12_248

It’s hard enough building a life on a new planet, but when you’re faced with dissension in your own tribe, you have to decide and decide quickly just how far you’re prepared to go.

Sivon is half Bandonese, half human. Her mother was one of ten female survivors when their craft crashed on a farm in rural Colorado. Now she is running from one of her own people, risking everything for love and the things she believes in.

Mozzik, the self-appointed leader of the Bandosapiens, has his own agenda, and Sivon has just crossed the line. He’s out to find her, to eliminate the risk she’s flirting with and to assert his control once more over the whole tribe.

But sometimes power is about more than control. Doing the right thing can be the most powerful thing in the world…as Sivon is about to find out.

If Mozzik doesn’t kill her first.

Be the first to like.

April 22nd, 2012

erotica genre, Fiction Writing, GENRES, lesbians, sex, SEXUALITY, WRITING, Writing tips

Sexuality in Fiction

I have been criticized for the inclusion of erotic content in my books, and while I make no apologies for this, perhaps it does bear some explanation for those who wish to know.

Sexuality is an integral part of who we are as human beings. Call it a biological imperative, that through evolution, sexuality has been refined into the embracing of pleasure as a component of our healthy existence. It’s disingenuous, then, to leave it out of books and stories about the human condition.

I always include sexual aspects in my writing for that reason. If it’s also titillating, then so be it. I admit that I enjoy reading about it and writing about it as well. So I imagine it will always have a place in my work. I don’t write stories for children, after all. I tried that once and failed miserably.

Thus, when writing from a position of full disclosure and honesty, about sexual topics, I must write about the whole of it–the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s the only way to genuinely convey every intrinsic part of human interaction.

4 people like this post.

April 20th, 2012

adventure genre, anxiety, AUTHORS, Book Excerpt, BOOKS, Building Character, CHALLENGES & MISHAPS, change, Colorado, domestic partnership, EMOTIONS, erotica genre, experience, Fiction, GENRES, GEOGRAPHY, Hanging the Moon, happiness, hope, independent author, indie publisher, Kate Genet, Kelli Jae Baeli, Lesbian fiction genre, lesbian literature, lesfic genre, life, love, luck, moving, novelist, novels, PUBLISHING, RELATIONSHIPS, Relocation, Resurrection Sticks, romance, romance-genre, romantic suspense genre, science fiction genre, scifi genre, VOCATIONS, writer, WRITING, writing business, WRITING LIFE

Miles to Go, but Loving the Journey

I just never know what project is going to suck me in and go somewhere. I have a whole stack of writing projects that are still awaiting my attention and I think getting them done will require the use of cloning technology–for myself. I find that the business aspects of being an Indie author is so time-consuming, it has cut way back on the time I have to actually write. I’m trying to get to a point where I’ve updated all information on my books, got them all into final draft and listed on Amazon and Smashwords and elsewhere, and then maybe I can just LEAVE THEM ALONE for once. Hoping that. Hoping.

Woman of my dreams.

And now, there is this recent move to a new place, meeting the woman of my dreams, and the impending visit to New Zealand, followed by an actual relocation there at the end of the year–possibly to reside for several years.

I try not to think far ahead enough to consider what will go in storage and what I will take with me to another country.

Everything seems to be happening at once, and I’m just trying to keep up. But I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and that is due solely to my darling Kate, who has inspired me, eliminated my creative/writing blockages, and brought hope and love and laughter back into my life. She’s everything I had ever dared hope for, and MORE. It doesn’t hurt that she’s also drop dead gorgeous and I’m wildly attracted to her!

A Rsticks_6x9frcvr_OCT12_248 s for my own writing endeavors, though I’ve been getting some whining about where the 3rd in the AKA Investigations series is, currently, I have been sucked in by my story, Resurrection Sticks. It was supposed to be only a short story, based on a weird dream I had. But then as I worked on it, I could see there was more there. Likely, it will be a novella. Kate has been cracking the whip for me to continue it, since she likes it so much. It is a bit of a departure for me. Call it speculative scifi.

And I’ve been cracking the whip on Kate’s new book she’s almost finished writing…(if you can call whining “Where’s the next chapter?” cracking the whip).

Building Character is already a brilliant piece of work and I can’t wait for her to finish. Her writing just keeps getting better and better. I’m so proud of her. I mean what an intriguing concept. Here’s the blurb:

Fen Marshal believes in living her life exactly as she pleases. She’s a writer and a womanizer who has her fun and walks away before anyone has a chance to want more from her. It’s not part of her plan to fall victim to obsessive lust, and as for love, well that just never enters the equation.

But Ruby is the woman is the woman of Fen’s dreams – literally. Fen finds herself attracted and obsessed – besotted – with a particularly delicious character from one of her own noir fiction novels.

It’s an obsession that brings Ruby to life – somehow, who cares how? Fen doesn’t. Fen just wants to love this creature she’s manifested through the pure strength of her imagination.

There’s only one problem. Ruby is not a nice character. Yes, she’s beautiful. But she’s also ruthless, possesses no heart or soul and doesn’t bleed.

She may just be the worst mistake Fen’s ever made.

How delicious is that? I’m so jealous I didn’t think of it myself.

After she gets that one done, we will have to start the marketing and publishing process on it…(and Resurrection Sticks will probably be done then, too) but we can also get back to the co-authoring of our book Hanging the Moon. Very excited about that project. I have about 100 pages and the general plot on it, and when she jumps in, we should be able to get it completed within two months.

So…lots to do, lots to think about and even more to enjoy. Finally, I feel my life is moving exactly in the direction I have always wanted it to go. And I can’t wait to write the next 26 books! Especially now that ‘ll have my writer-wife next to me, doing the same thing! It’s just a fantasy made real for any writer.

As Frost said, miles to go before I sleep… but it makes a huge difference when you’re loving the journey.

Be the first to like.

April 13th, 2012

AUTHORS, BOOKS, chemistry, commitment, CREATIVITY, dating, domestic partnership, Fiction, independent author, indie publisher, intelligence, intimacy, Kate Genet, lesbians, love, meaning, New Zealand, novels, passion, purpose, romance, TRAVEL, universe, Writer's Block, WRITING

Cosmic Giggle

It’s been a busy and eventful few months. The biggest news I have mentioned, but it only gets better. Against all odds, against all logic, I have managed to meet the woman of my dreams. She is from New Zealand (who knew that my soulmate would be hiding on the opposite side of the world? Kind of a cosmic giggle, there, though I would prefer she had been nearby when this started. Like in the same country).

But be that as it may, the more time we spend getting to know each other, the more we see this magical kindredness; this inexplicable bond that can only come from two people who are meant to be together. We have many challenges ahead, but we are both sickeningly happy about the whole thing.

She is, like me, an author, and this is how we initially crossed paths. She wrote a review on one of my books and I wrote to thank her, and we exchanged some communications, and then eventually, she send just the right email, said all the right things, and a set of possibilities was born.

Now, we have become so close, so connected. I have never felt so understood, so appreciated, so adored and so loved. We are the very cliche of a whirlwind romance, and of two people who have fallen hopelessly, irretrievable in love. We have all the usual symptoms: constant, obsessive thoughts about each other, a constant need to be together (like Velcro), physical reactions to each other that are powerful even when we are not in the same room–a mere photograph or thought can engender the same response as if we were touching. I miss her MADLY right now. She is currently at her home in New Zealand working on that book, and will be back here in July for a while.

How did I manage to get so lucky? She is intelligent, funny, witty, genuine, sincere, ethical, sensitive, creative…and it is icing on the cake that she is also incredibly beautiful. She is feminine, just quirky enough to delight me, and I have to say that the New Zealand accent is sexy as hell. (Think Lucy Lawless/Xena). She is not just some things on my list of the Ultimate Partner, but ALL THINGS on that list. I can scarcely believe my good fortune, after a life of cursing the luck fairies. Perhaps there really is some force in the universe that evens things out. My only regret is that we didn’t meet earlier. Even one complete lifetime with her would not be enough.

As many of my readers know, in the last year I have been suffering, for the first time, with writer’s block. My last two relationships sucked the creative life-force out of me somehow. And that was capped off with betrayal and abandonment by my best friend, when I needed her the most. I still don’t understand how any of that made sense to her, but I had to find a way to move on, as painful as it was. I had not succeeded in doing that, and was circling the drain when Kate appeared. She managed to spark my creativity again, give me back those things that make my life worth living: Hope, Love, and Purpose. I knew that if I went much longer without them, I would likely not survive. So in a very real way, she has saved my life. And she has given me so much more than that. More than I ever dreamed possible. I am so proud to call her mine. She is my soulmate.

Another perk that I would have considered a scary specter, is that I am going to New Zealand at the end of the year, and will likely move there for awhile, where she has a house. I have always been fearful of getting on a plane, even more so of going out of the country. But I would board a hundred planes to be with her everyday. We will be getting married there (where it’s LEGAL), and after things are wrapped up there, we plan to return to Colorado and get a house in the mountains.

All very romantic and idyllic, and the stuff of dreams. But this is no dream. It is very real, and we both feel that we are in each others’ marrow. It’s as if we have known each other through several lifetimes, and have been searching for each other. The placard above the Door of my Life used to read, Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Now it says Dreams really do come true. I have never felt a connection like this in my life. I adore her with every cell in my body. I finally know what it is to be truly happy….24/7. I have never felt joy like this. It has colored every other thing in my life and made it so beautiful.

Another thrilling aspect of this scenario, is that we both share the same passions–the strongest of which is the writing. We will be forming a Indie publishing business to handle all our books, soon, and are looking forward to that process.

We are also writing a book together, as well (Hanging the Moon–one that we think will be a series)…the process of which will begin in earnest after she finishes her current project, called Building Character. I managed to come up with the title for it, and she came up with a brilliant cover idea, which I rendered in anticipation of the project completion. The book is in first draft, but already, it is brilliant, and I feel it will do really well when we get it out in both print and digital form.

So, having moved to a new apartment for another year here, I will then be moving to another country–to be with my Kiwi girl, the love of my life. And the future is not just bright, but blinding–somewhat like a quasar.

Be the first to like.