This is the woman who has my heart and always will. She has been incredibly devoted and loving and kind. Our unconventional and blindingly unique set of challenges (while still remaining in love and being committed) has only made me MORE sure that no one could ever love me, appreciate me, or understand me more than she does–if I can just get my own recently-constructed obstacles out of my head.
She has never given me any REAL reason to ever doubt her devotion, but we are all a product of our past experiences with people, and mine, I’m afraid, have been fraught with betrayal, abandonment, lies and abuse for far too long. (I will choose my future peeps more carefully, for I am allowing those past-people too much power over my current and future relationships).
I must get to a place where I can function in a healthy way first, so that I can repair these things and be a whole person again, after the challenges of the last few years. She deserves that. It’s not easy to understand Quintessential Hi-Fi HSPs like me. I have a lot of self-work to do, soon, as I’ve developed stronger versions of those things that keep me from being the best version of myself (yes it’s that time again–like regular maintenance on a car. If you don’t believe me, check out the other entries in this blog). I have to heal. And I have a huge list of projects and business I have to get done to rebuild my life from the bottom up again.
I must get back to my secure, happy place of writing regularly (Though I have 33 books published, I still have many books and writing projects still unfinished and still currently working on the memoir about all this–hopefully to help me, and to help others who might be dealing with an unusual set of challenges). I have to regain my autonomy, start sculpting again, painting, doing pottery, writing, reading, walking, meditating, domestic engineering, enjoying the simple pleasures of a life well-rendered.
We can’t predict the future, but we can plan what we can, and continue to make compromises to have an adapted life together, because we are soulmates, even if it means periods of time spent apart. (Thanks you, SKYPE and iPhone videos!) Our life-paths were so dissimilar and we have a different set of responsibilities now–especially to ourselves–that must be honored. Those who don’t adapt, die, and I want to live.
We are still engaged, and though we are considered a legal domestic partnership now, here in New Zealand, we still plan to be legally married somewhere on her first visit to the U.S. after I get back there (Long live the death of DOMA!)
My plane leaves in 2 weeks. Not looking forward to the 7,000 mile trip, nor my time living in a hotel and re-buying everything, including a vehicle—but am looking forward to eventually buying that house and making it a home to welcome her when she can be with me for longer periods of time. And I miss my beloved Colorado, and looking forward to getting my SELF back and being in my healthy space again, and allowing her to create the same for herself. She deserves the best I can give her, and it is my goal to be that person again.
So–if there were a contest for most precious person in the world to me, she’d win hands-down. I wish I had a big gold statue to present to you in front of millions of people. Alas, there is no Academy Award for best partner. My darling Kate. Thank you for your love and the hope you have given back to me. I will love you All Ways, Always. <3