Archive for the ‘TIME’ Category

E Pluribus Unum, dammit

I’m sorry, but I just had to post this. One of my friends on Facebook (who believes in god and I suppose considers herself a christian) posted this sign, which she apparently found inspiring. As this sort of thing continues to piss me off, I had to comment on it:

Jae Baeli What FAILED was religion insinuating and then forcing itself into our government. The sign above just represents ANOTHER ABSOLUTELY FALSE belief. The country was NOT founded on In God We Trust or God or religion or CHristian principles… This was adopted as the motto of the US in 1956 (nowhere NEAR the founding of this country). It replaced the original motto, on which we WERE FOUNDED: E pluribus unum, which means “out of many, one”–it was founded on SECULAR principles. The Constitution begins: “We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union…” PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read the original documents and brush up on true history. This is the lie that religious zealots continue to spread.

 

 

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Prequels, Sequels, & Spinoffs

Syzygy. Amazingly, the only English word with three Y’s also happens to describe a rare astronomical event involving three heavenly bodies. A syzygy is the alignment of three celestial bodies in a straight line…

On December 3, 2012, Saturn, Venus & Mercury will align. On that same night, 3 women align to see that justice is done.

Ponzi Bonnet thought she had found the perfect husband. A psychologist could certainly understand her damage. But her suspicion of infidelity turns out to be something far worse. Far more sinister. And he had to be stopped.

This new book I’m working on–and almost finished with–is altogether different from any of my others. For one, it’s darker. I usually like to write “dramedy”– an equal mixture of drama and comedy. And I lean toward romantic – suspense – adventure -style plots. The plot in Syzygy is adventuresome, but perhaps that’s where the similarity ends. It deals with some darker subjects. Some disturbing places in the human psyche. I’m not sure of it…I haven’t even let Kate read any of it. She will be acting as my first Beta reader, because I want an impression based on the entire book, without any foreknowledge of content. (Just like most readers get to approach a book). But this has also made it more challenging, because I can’t discuss it with her to help me work things out–to be fair, or to perhaps torture me, she is also keeping mum on her current book (Irrevocable). I will be Beta reader on that one too.

So here’s what happened….I had been working on the 3rd in my AKA Investigations series and I was having trouble with it. Not surprising, after having so much trouble in the last couple of years with the writing…huge changes, huge challenges, and so much had been happening in my life to suck the muse right out of my head…(any of you who read my blog regularly are familiar with what I’m referring to). So I continued to struggle with this one…and then I realized what the problem was. Oddly, I was having trouble getting my MAIN characters in the book after the halfway point. Not a good sign. One of the subplots had started growing and I found that my main characters were being left out in favor of a couple of minor characters. So I thought, well maybe there’s another book heremaybe I’m trying to write two books. So I snatched out the plotline and characters from that portion and put it in a separate file and began to work on it–feeling like I was sort of “cheating” on my other characters by doing so. But it was pushing me to be written. Those characters were being insistent. They had a story to tell and they wanted me to tell it.

So. I was surprised about this new book. It wasn’t even on the docket.

SIDEBAR. I have been trying for years now to get all the other books written that are waiting in line. Some half-done, some just ideas. Like Quintessence, Somewhere Else, Curse of Madagascar, Another Justice, The Girls in the Band, and newer ones like, Hanging the Moon [with Kate Genet], Behind the Left: Authoring the Apocalypse, and a sequel to Resurrection Sticks –and those are just the fiction ones

This book, Syzygy, is also a concept-novel. A concept I came up with–not sure if anyone else ever came up with it too, but for me at least, it’s a new idea…it’s what I might call a spinoff-prequel. The new book sprang from the events and secondary characters of the original one. I started thinking about how interesting it would be to know more about those characters–like, what was happening in THEIR lives, that was just outside the purview of the plot in the book I was working on? What might that scene be like if it was written from the point of view of that other character? So then, an entirely new story evolved, but it was based on the original story in the AKA book. Only, it focused on those secondary characters, making them main characters, and then the main characters from the AKA book became the secondary characters in the new book. So here, I have a timeline of events, and in Syzygy, I’m telling the story of Ponzi Bonnet, Kenda Harper, Anna Dew, Garrison Bishop and Payne Hollister. And in AKA, I’m telling the story during the same timeline but through the characters of Jobeth, Phoebe, Izzy and Ginger. It almost means I need to write both of these books and release them at the same time, but that might be too maddening. So I think I will finish and release Syzygy first, since its timeline might be a little earlier, by about a week or two, than the AKA book. It would also give away less than the AKA book would, if I did that one first. I don’t want to have one book serving as a SPOILER for the other.

I feel like I’m rambling. I’m on first cup of coffee…NOTE TO SELF. Don’t ramble. anyway…

It’s a different sort of challenge, as it’s almost like writing a series, but slightly different…I have to think about what I write in Syzygy affecting what I’ll be writing in the 3rd AKA book. I have to make sure I don’t contradict things. Like I can’t have two different things happening to a character at the same time

(or can I?….. STOP IT.)

All of this has me thinking that there are all these other stories that can stem from stories I’ve written. The other perspectives. The other characters who play a minor role, but have an entire world of their own going on during those events. It’s also a way to create a thread of interest in readership–those who enjoy my books will find alternate stories that are peripheral to the ones they’ve already read. I find the whole concept fascinating. I hope a reader would, too. I have recently been concerned about my literary diversification–I do myself no favors by gaining a reader who then reads a certain genre of mine and realizes there aren’t any more of those yet, but that I jumped over and wrote nonfiction, or in some other genre…. (That’s another blog I wrote half of, but haven’t posted yet).

Jeez. I’m scattered.

Did I mention we’re moving 2 hours away in a week?

Yeah. got that nonfiction stuff to deal with too.

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No More Hall-Decking for You Guys

Excerpt from Supernatural Hypocrisy: The Cognitive Dissonance of a God Cosmology

by

Kelli Jae Baeli

 

Available now in ebook formats-CLICK COVER“Twelve Jews were brutally murdered, huge numbers maimed, and many Jewish women were raped. Two million rubles worth  of property was destroyed.” ~ Lawrence Kelleman

 

Isn’t Christmas a wonderful time of year?

Consider this:

Thus says the LORD, Do not learn the way of the nations, And do not be terrified by the signs of the Heavens, although the nations are terrified by them; For the customs of the peoples are delusion; Because it is wood cut from the forest, The work of the hands of a craftsman with a cutting tool. They decorate it with silver and with gold; They fasten it with nails and with hammers So that it will not totter” (Jeremiah 10:2-4).

Okay, that’s it for all you Christmas-tree-hugging Christians. If you believe in what the Bible tells you, there will be no more Christmas trees or decorating!

Thou mustest not decketh the halls!

And lest you think the tree is the only borrowed symbol or tradition practiced by the God-fearing, allow me to shed a little light in a dark place.

In ancient Babylon, the date of December 25th was a celebration in honor of the son of Isis, the Goddess of Nature.

In Rome, long before the birth of Christ, the Winter Solstice day of Saturnalia was celebrated in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. The Mummers, who went house to house, singing and dancing, sprang from this celebration, and from it, the tradition of caroling.

Northern Europeans celebrated Yule, on Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year, in honor of the birth of the sun god, Mithra. Kissing under the mistletoe began there, as a fertility ritual. Evergreen trees were brought indoors to remind them of the coming harvest.

Even the Druids had a ritual around a tree.

Since pagan Romans were in the majority in the year 350, Pope Julius I declared that the birth of Christ would be celebrated on December 25th, so as not to alienate them, and in hopes that they would convert to Christianity a bit more easily if they could keep the date of their feasts. The ritual of gift-giving began in Rome, as well:

In pre-Christian Rome, the emperors compelled their most despised citizens to bring offerings and gifts during the Saturnalia (in December) and Kalends (in January).  Later, this ritual expanded to include gift-giving among the general populace.  The Catholic Church gave this custom a Christian flavor by re-rooting it in the supposed gift-giving of Saint Nicholas (Miles).

The history of Saint Nicolas began in Turkey, where Nicolas was a bishop who convened the Council of Nicaea in 325 CE. After his death December 6, 345 CE, he was idolized, and eventually became the central figure when his bones were moved to Italy, and he replaced Pasqua Epiphania, “The Grandmother,” who used to put gifts for children in stockings. When The Grandmother was ousted, Nicolas became the focus of gift-giving. This cult made its way to Germany, where Nicolas was merged with the god Woden, and the white beard, winter clothing and his travel on a flying horse became the norm.

In a quest for adherents, the Catholic church adopted the Nicolas figure, and encouraged the pagans to exchange gifts on December 25th, rather than on the 6th. He soon became known by the Dutch version of his name, Santa Claus. The rest is just the natural progression of time and tradition.

Christmas, then, is not a history of Christian celebration of the birth of Christ. It is more accurately a time when Jews were tortured and murdered, and a modified incarnation of the most reprehensible pagan rituals ever known. Here’s why:

The pagans of Rome would force one community member to partake in debauchery and gluttony, and then when the festival ended on December 25th, they would destroy the dark forces by killing him.

Some of the most depraved customs of the Saturnalia carnival were intentionally revived by the Catholic Church in 1466 when Pope Paul II, for the amusement of his Roman citizens, forced Jews to race naked through the streets of the city.  An eyewitness account reports, “Before they were to run, the Jews were richly fed, so as to make the race more difficult for them and at the same time more amusing for spectators. They ran… amid Rome’s taunting shrieks and peals of laughter, while the Holy Father stood upon a richly ornamented balcony and laughed heartily (Kertzer).

In Warsaw, on December 25, 1881,

Twelve Jews were brutally murdered, huge numbers maimed, and many Jewish women were raped. Two million rubles worth of property was destroyed (Kelleman).

Julius Streicher, a particularly depraved assistant to Hitler, wrote a Christmas editorial to Der Stuermer, an Anti-Semitic newspaper. In it, he said,

If one really wants to put an end to the continued prospering of this curse from Heaven that is the Jewish blood, there is only one way to do it: to eradicate this people, this Satan’s son, root and branch.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

And that’s not the only thing that Christians don’t understand about their own beliefs. Many common themes and terminology don’t stem from the actual scriptures.

Dan Barker, an ex-Christian minister and author of many essays and several books, including, Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist, confronts this.

The next time believers tell you that “separation of church and state” does not appear in our founding document, tell them to stop using the word “trinity.” The word “trinity” appears nowhere in the Bible. Neither does Rapture, or Second Coming, or Original Sin. If they are still unfazed (or unphrased) by this, then add Omniscience, Omnipresence, Supernatural, Transcendence, Afterlife, Deity, Divinity, Theology, Monotheism, Missionary, Immaculate Conception, Christmas, Christianity, Evangelical, Fundamentalist, Methodist, Catholic, Pope, Cardinal, Catechism, Purgatory, Penance, Transubstantiation, Excommunication, Dogma, Chastity, Unpardonable Sin, Infallibility, Inerrancy, Incarnation, Epiphany, Sermon, Eucharist, the Lord’s Prayer, Good Friday, Doubting Thomas, Advent, Sunday School, Dead Sea, Golden Rule, Moral, Morality, Ethics, Patriotism, Education, Atheism, Apostasy, Conservative (Liberal is in), Capital Punishment, Monogamy, Abortion, Pornography, Homosexual, Lesbian, Fairness, Logic, Republic, Democracy, Capitalism, Funeral, Decalogue, or Bible.

 

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Stranger Fiction, Reviews & Truthiness

Historically, there has been a notable chasm between the author’s craft and the reading public’s knowledge of what that craft includes.  And until recently, we never heard much from authors on a personal level about what they thought and felt, what their creative process was, what their methodology entailed. Nor could readers communicate with their favorite authors in any meaningful way.

Now, with the advent of Indie authoring and publishing, writers and readers may actually converse with each other. It might spoil the mystique of being a writer– that romantic idea of an angst-ridden wordsmith closed up in a candlelit room with coffee (or whiskey), manipulating a magical, torturous process that at some point produced viola!–a book. But I feel it’s a positive change. For the record, I love coffee, enjoy a glass of wine, am quite fond of candles, and do sometimes want to pull my hair out during the writing process. But I genuinely enjoy the open discussion about my books with readers who contact me via email, or during a bookclub meeting.

Unless an author is afflicted with narcissism, she will always carry a degree of insecurity about her writing. A book is, after all, a birthing of a literary child, and we feel that when we put it out into the world, we want it to do well, and never want anyone to speak an ill word against it.

I have been fortunate to have four and five star reviews most of the time, but the more I write, the more readers I get, the more I will come across the occasional comment or review which isn’t quite as complimentary. I’ve been lucky in that regard, as well, since the few negative comments I have received are within a context of the reader giving the book high marks overall.

I communicated recently with a reader who liked my book very much, but had a few points that bothered her. These complaints were, shall we say, not rooted in fact. I wrote back to her and explained in detail those things that bothered her, and I won’t include that exact text here, because it has far too many spoilers in it. But in general, I will mention a few points that readers have brought up.

One reader said of Book 2 in the AKA Investigation series, Also Known as DNA, “credit for the author for allowing the protaganist [sic] to get the snot kicked out of her on a few occasions and to make mistakes which gives her a more realistic feel.”

And then another who said, “skilled people, especially those 4 should not have been portrayed as that stupid and helpless.”

Opposite opinions about the same thing.

First, I have NEVER portrayed any of my characters as stupid or helpless, unless I was portraying them that way on purpose because they actually were stupid and helpless in the pejorative sense. My protagonists were only portrayed that way if they were stupid and helpless in the universal, unavoidable sense. I’ve known some truly intelligent people who did some patently stupid things–myself included. And I’ve known some really competent people who found themselves in a position of helplessness–myself included. There are myriad reasons why this will happen, no matter how learned, how wise, how strong, or how discerning you might be. Circumstances and emotions and outside forces can conspire to render you incapable–if only for a time–of doing anything to make it better. And these same elements can also prevent you from making the right choice. We all make mistakes, and I will not give my characters some heroic white-washing, when that’s not an accurate portrayal of how human beings are. Please and thank you. But in the context of fiction, obstacles allow the character to evolve. We learn about ourselves and others through adversity; and a good writer will do this with characters by showing how they might face these obstacles and conquer them.

Then there was another reader who really enjoyed the book, but said she was annoyed by a few plot issues. Like “There was no explanation to why [sic] the bike was run off the road by the person that [sic] did it. they wouldn’t have known each other at that point.”

There WAS an explanation, but it was in the subtext, and then actually explained in the dialogue between characters later. Once the full story came out, it was clear that what the main characters knew at first, was not what the villains knew. The antagonists had been involved the whole time and operating just out of the purview of the protagonists. When it finally came to light what had REALLY been happening, it was a matter of putting two and two together. The antagonists were working their plan around the protagonists long before the protagonists knew the antagonists even existed. So it might SEEM that the antagonists /protagonists couldn’t have “known” but that was intentional-viewpoint, meant to align the reader with the main characters, and NOT the villains. I wanted the reader to know only what the primary characters knew, so that when the truth was revealed, she would be just as surprised as those characters. It’s simply a literary device, nothing more.

This same reader also mentioned “the timeline for the day of the seminar doesn’t add up. too many things happened simultaneously to have all happened within the same day by [sic] the same people.”

I had to tell this reader, point by point, what happened in that day, to show her that it did, indeed, fit into the timeframe. I work everything out on a linear time chart and am very careful to make sure everything is possible, down to knowing how long it takes to do a particular thing, what time of day it is, and how long it takes a character to get from point A to Point B. It’s what I call Novel Logistics. This, then, was a perception on the part of the reader which was not accurate. It seemed as if that much couldn’t happen, but it’s also an intentional element of PACING. If you want the pacing to be fast, there has to be a lot happening in a short amount of time.

But the point here is, while I have made (and will continue to make) mistakes (and corrected the ones I’ve found or others have pointed out later), I care a great deal about my credibility. So it’s a bit aggravating for a writer to see that a reader will criticize something based on an impression that is rooted in their misunderstanding of what is happening, and how, and when. But there’s little an author can do about the ability of a reader to catch nuances and subtext, and even clear explanations that might come later.

Another issue from the above reader was “the confrontation with the enemy. the chasing, captures and recaptures and mountains, etc… was frustrating.” –this, when all other readers who commented, noted how much delicious tension and suspense this activity created for them. Like this reader, who wrote, “So many authors build up tension in their novels only to resolve everything in a matter of 15 pages. This is so frustrating and just plain lazy in my opinion. The last 15% of [Also Known as DNA] is wrought with tension and I was surprised and captivated the whole time” and another who said, “Nail-biting action and heart-stopping tension take the reader on a roller-coaster ride through the pages, piling one catastrophe on top of another and testing the characters to the limit. I wasn’t sure they’d all make it out alive in this one, but it sure had me turning the pages to find out.”

So–it’s all very subjective, isn’t it?

My partner Kate astutely pointed out, “This is why you shouldn’t read reviews.” I’m not certain she meant you in the universal sense or you in the sense of ME, personally, but probably good advice, overall. Be that as it may, reviews are a way for me to see what’s working in my writing, and what’s not, regardless of how many readers might also not catch the subtext, or might not enjoy being pulled through too many challenges with the characters, or might not have an accurate assessment of a timeline.

One reader said that the beginning of Armchair Detective had implausible parts in the plot regarding how Jobeth was hired as an unlicensed P.I., but what that reader didn’t know was that it was all true, based on my own personal history. My experience as an amateur sleuth some years ago, was what inspired the story in the first place. Everything I write is either from personal experience or that of another’s, or if it’s completely fabricated, I consult with authorities on the matter to ensure that it is plausible and credible. This is why when I write about medical things, I speak to nurses and doctors, and when I write of legal things I talk to attorneys, and when I write of police matters, I speak to police officers. There is no greater resource for a character’s job, than those who do the job every day.

Ultimately, what all this tells me is:

First, an opinion isn’t always a fact.
Second, you can’t please everyone.
And third, and most importantly, (and with the most paradoxical irony), this concept: I may have failed to do the best job on a book, if I didn’t make the fiction seem like truth, even if the truth seemed like fiction.

Truth is, as the adage goes, stranger than fiction, and thus, when it appears, it is perceived as lacking credibility, even though FICTION is, by definition, NOT TRUE. So there will always be readers who lament the lack of credibility in some aspect of fiction, when many times the depiction is accurate, it just doesn’t SEEM accurate. So therefore, we, as fiction writers have to be careful to be credible and realistic, while lying our collective asses off. Are you following this?

(Where is my medication?)

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No More Hall-Decking for You Guys

“Twelve Jews were brutally murdered, huge numbers maimed,

and many Jewish women were raped. Two million rubles worth

 of property was destroyed.”

~ Lawrence Kelleman

I
sn’t Christmas a wonderful time of year?
Consider this:
     Thus says the LORD, Do not learn the way of the nations, And do not be terrified by the signs of the Heavens, although the nations are terrified by them; For the customs of the peoples are delusion; Because it is wood cut from the forest, The work of the hands of a craftsman with a cutting tool. They decorate it with silver and with gold; They fasten it with nails and with hammers So that it will not totter” (Jeremiah 10:2-4).
     Okay, that’s it for all you Christmas-tree-hugging Christians. If you believe in what the Bible tells you, there will be no more Christmas trees or decorating!
     Thou mustest not decketh the halls!
     And lest you think the tree is the only borrowed symbol or tradition practiced by the God-fearing, allow me to shed a little light in a dark place.
In ancient Babylon, the date of December 25th was a celebration in honor of the son of Isis, the Goddess of Nature.
     In Rome, long before the birth of Christ, the Winter Solstice day of Saturnalia was celebrated in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. The Mummers, who went house to house, singing and dancing, sprang from this celebration, and from it, the tradition of caroling.
     Northern Europeans celebrated Yule, on Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year, in honor of the birth of the sun god, Mithra. Kissing under the mistletoe began there, as a fertility ritual. Evergreen trees were brought indoors to remind them of the coming harvest.
     Even the Druids had a ritual around a tree.
     Since pagan Romans were in the majority in the year 350, Pope Julius I declared that the birth of Christ would be celebrated on December 25th, so as not to alienate them, and in hopes that they would convert to Christianity a bit more easily if they could keep the date of their feasts. The ritual of gift-giving began in Rome, as well:
     In pre-Christian Rome, the emperors compelled their most despised citizens to bring offerings and gifts during the Saturnalia (in December) and Kalends (in January).  Later, this ritual expanded to include gift-giving among the general populace.  The Catholic Church gave this custom a Christian flavor by re-rooting it in the supposed gift-giving of Saint Nicholas.[1]
The history of Saint Nicolas began in Turkey, where Nicolas was a bishop who convened the Council of Nicaea in 325 CE. After his death December 6, 345 CE, he was idolized, and eventually became the central figure when his bones were moved to Italy, and he replaced Pasqua Epiphania, “The Grandmother,” who used to put gifts for children in stockings. When The Grandmother was ousted, Nicolas became the focus of gift-giving. This cult made its way to Germany, where Nicolas was merged with the god Woden, and the white beard, winter clothing and his travel on a flying horse became the norm.
In a quest for adherents, the Catholic church adopted the Nicolas figure, and encouraged the pagans to exchange gifts on December 25th, rather than on the 6th. He soon became known by the Dutch version of his name, Santa Claus. The rest is just the natural progression of time and tradition.
     Christmas, then, is not a history of Christian celebration of the birth of Christ. It is more accurately a time when Jews were tortured and murdered, and a modified incarnation of the most reprehensible pagan rituals ever known. Here’s why:
     The pagans of Rome would force one community member to partake in debauchery and gluttony, and then when the festival ended on December 25th, they would destroy the dark forces by killing him.
Some of the most depraved customs of the Saturnalia carnival were intentionally revived by the Catholic Church in 1466 when Pope Paul II, for the amusement of his Roman citizens, forced Jews to race naked through the streets of the city.  An eyewitness account reports, “Before they were to run, the Jews were richly fed, so as to make the race more difficult for them and at the same time more amusing for spectators.  They ran… amid Rome’s taunting shrieks and peals of laughter, while the Holy Father stood upon a richly ornamented balcony and laughed heartily.[2]
In Warsaw, on December 25, 1881,
Twelve Jews were brutally murdered, huge numbers maimed, and many Jewish women were raped. Two million rubles worth of property was destroyed.[3]
Julius Streicher, a particularly depraved assistant to Hitler, wrote a Christmas editorial to Der Stuermer, an Anti-Semitic newspaper. In it, he said,
If one really wants to put an end to the continued prospering of this curse from Heaven that is the Jewish blood, there is only one way to do it: to eradicate this people, this Satan’s son, root and branch.
     Merry Christmas, everyone.
And that’s not the only thing that Christians don’t understand about their own beliefs. Many common themes and terminology don’t stem from the actual scriptures.
     Dan Barker, an ex-Christian minister and author of many essays and several books, including, Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist, confronts this.
The next time believers tell you that “separation of church and state” does not appear in our founding document, tell them to stop using the word “trinity.” The word “trinity” appears nowhere in the Bible. Neither does Rapture, or Second Coming, or Original Sin. If they are still unfazed (or unphrased) by this, then add Omniscience, Omnipresence, Supernatural, Transcendence, Afterlife, Deity, Divinity, Theology, Monotheism, Missionary, Immaculate Conception, Christmas, Christianity, Evangelical, Fundamentalist, Methodist, Catholic, Pope, Cardinal, Catechism, Purgatory, Penance, Transubstantiation, Excommunication, Dogma, Chastity, Unpardonable Sin, Infallibility, Inerrancy, Incarnation, Epiphany, Sermon, Eucharist, the Lord’s Prayer, Good Friday, Doubting Thomas, Advent, Sunday School, Dead Sea, Golden Rule, Moral, Morality, Ethics, Patriotism, Education, Atheism, Apostasy, Conservative (Liberal is in), Capital Punishment, Monogamy, Abortion, Pornography, Homosexual, Lesbian, Fairness, Logic, Republic, Democracy, Capitalism, Funeral, Decalogue, or Bible.[4]

 


[1]Clement Miles. Christmas Customs and Traditions: Their History and Significance, (Dover Publications, 1976), 178, 263-271.
[2] David I. Kertzer. The Popes Against the Jews: The Vatican’s Role in the Rise of Modern Anti-Semitism. (Alfred A. Knopf, 2001), 74.
[3]Lawrence Kelleman. “The Real Story of Christmas.” Simple To Remember. http://www.simpletoremember.com/vitals/Christmas_TheRealStory.htm.
[4]Dan Barker. “Quotations.” The Infidels: Infidels, Freethinkers, Humanists and Unbelievers. http://theinfidels.org/zunb-danbarker.htm.
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Indie Overload

Being an independent author and publisher has its perks, like creative control and higher royalties, but it also has its headaches. For instance, I have to do the job of about 12 people most of the time. I have to be a writer, editor, graphic artist, publisher, indexer, typographer, secretary, publicist, agent, personal assistant, accountant, shipping manager… and anything else that might arise.

Managing all of the inherent details of such an endeavor is a monster-job, but I have found it difficult to explain to others why a computer crash is such a stressful tragedy for me.  My writing directory alone has 31,752 files in 1,993 folders. And this isn’t counting cloud storage and other archives of older files. 


In order to manage all these writing files, I have to use a spreadsheet to keep track of all the details, and this can be overwhelming to say the least. 

For instance, one sheet in my books document is for keeping track of everything concerning each of my 24 books. The left column looks like this:

 

TITLE
COVER
SUBTITLE
CREATESPACE
Csp ISBN10
Csp ISBN13
TITLE ID
PAGES
BISAC
PUB DATE
INT FILE
EXT FILE
COST
PLAN
Cover font
Print Price
Print Royalty
My cost
My shipping cost

JB.COM
Discount price
PP BTN URL
Discount Profit
eBook file
eBook PDF Price
eBook PDF Royalty

AMAZON/KINDLE
DTP int file
DTP cvr file
DTP PRICE
DTP Royalty

SMASHWORDS
SW int file
SW cvr file
SW ISBN
SW book price
SW Royalty

GOOGLE BOOKS
GB int file
GB cvr file
GB ISBN
GB book price
GB Royalty

PAYPAL
PP eBook price
PP ebk pg link
Ebook code/bk pg
PP BTN code

To the right of this column is that data on each book, spreading out over 24 columns (one for each book).

Then another sheet for royalty data for each month in the year. This sheet has to include the list price, royalty rate (i.e., 35% or 70%), units sold, with different amounts for different countries, since I sell in the U.S., Australia, New Zealand, the UK, France, Germany, Canada…plus differentiation for sales at Amazon, website sales (both digital and print), sales at Smashwords, Google Books, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, etc., and a calculation for that month’s data concerning sales of each, plus subtotals, totals, and keeping in mind that a month’s royalties reflects sales from two months prior to the actual pay out. I also have to separate the grid to post electronic sales and print sales.

I also have to keep a tax spreadsheet detailing income and expenses, and most people understand how much fun itemizing is for all these details over the course of a year.

Additionally, I have to create the shopping card codes for each books’ webpage, so that any purchase made on my site takes the buyer to the proper purchase page and then links them out to either a download or a thank you and info page telling them the order was received and will be drop-shipped. 

And on each book’s webpage, I have to allow for both digital and print sales, and each format of eBook (mobi/prc, PDF, ePUB, Lit, html), and handle drop shipping and followup. 

I also have to be a webmaster, designing and continually tweaking pages and codes, while also maintaining my other websites and blogs and forums and Facebook pages and Twitter…and of course I have to manage all my website files on my host provider. Never mind all the pages I have to update whenever there are changes to any book’s cover, interior, information, price or any other detail. That alone can take days.

No wonder I’m having trouble actually WRITING, now. I don’t have time.

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Turn, Turn Turn: UnAbridged But Edited


Okay, so i made a change to the signature portion of the document in question.

As i said on Facebook, perhaps this will allay the fears of the Ex and her minions.


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Turn Turn, Turn: the Phantom Ex

 

Okay, again, my heart is pounding, and again, I am off balance, trying to sooth my trembling hands…

I’m not one to go around asking for advice. I’m usually only giving it, but I just might need some insight from my Facebook friends. I just found a message on my phone from…..GUESS WHO?

The Ex. The one who wrote that inscription to me, and the the one that I suppose is at the root of all this crap with Becky Haynes. It’s surprisingly nerve-wracking to hear the voice of a person you were in love with over a decade ago. Surreal. (And after that long, still having any reaction at ALL–what’s that about?).

She was perfectly civil. This is what she said:

“Hey Kelli this is Tammy. I understand you posted some personal letter or card or something from me on your Facebook page. I would appreciate it if you would remove that, it was never intended for the whole world to see, and I don’t really appreciate that, and i wish you would remove that, and anything else like that. Thanks.”

Okay, first, obviously, she hasn’t seen it. Because she didn’t seem to know just what was posted.

Second, she obliviously doesn’t know much about Facebook, or she’d know that it was not “For the whole world to see”–it was only seen by those on my Friend’s List, of which Becky was a part, and this is the only reason it got back to her.

Third, what the hell about it is so personal? –That it reveals that someone named Tammy had a relationship with me 12 years ago, and at least one time, she wrote something cute and affectionate in side the cover of a book she gave me?

Oh HORRORS. What will all those BILLIONS of people think of her?

Seriously, why would she care? I asked myself that question yesterday. If the shoe were on the other foot, would i care that she posted an inscription JUST LIKE THAT, from me, on her Facebook? Um, NO. Why would I?

Even if I acknowledged that people have differing views of what is “private”, especially in today’s wide-open technology environment, respecting some dubious infringement on that privacy seems to be predicated on whether i should care, in relation to this person.

This is the person who managed to push me out of BOTH of my bands, and summarily took away my biggest dreams. Now, understand, i was the principal songwriter, lead singer, booking agent, publicist, bought the equipment on MY CREDIT, carried it all in MY van, which got trashed, and never got any compensation for any of it. Not even GAS MONEY.

This is the person who abandoned our first band and bandmates, without giving them an explanation, though I begged her to–and in so doing, also crushed THEIR dreams.

In fairness, she had just lost her younger brother and was grieving. So I was afraid to do anything BUT be supportive. Ultimately, though, I was too in love with her to stand up and say, “If you don’t explain it to them, I will.” So i went along with it, because i was supporting my partner in her needs.

Then she wanted to start a new project, and I didn’t understand, because i thought she wanted to be away from the music for a while. Again, another misjudgment I made by going along with that. But after we broke up partway into that second project, I had to keep playing music with her while she was being cruel and hateful to me. She would place the other member between me and her on stage, (there were only three of us, it was an acoustic trio), and they would start songs without telling me what they were, and do songs i didn’t even know, and I was the Lead Singer.

How many times have you seen the lead singer off to one side, while the backup singer and guitarists were clumped together on the other? There’s a reason why the stage configuration is the way it is….So then that meant the other singer could sing all these songs SHE knew and I was left over on one side, trying to figure out what was going on. It felt awful.

I had to watch them leave shows, and go off together to talk about the experience, while I went home alone WITH THE EQUIPMENT, which i usually had to unload myself.

Finally, with visions of throwing myself in front of a train, I had to walk away from that dream, too. I contacted both of my previous bandmates and I offered an apology for what happened before with the first band; I told them both i had been a spineless ninny, and that they didn’t deserve that. I asked for their forgiveness and they both gave it and said they understood.

Since then, my Ex has apparently amassed some kind of musical posse from that past to collectively ignore and hate me. Everyone in that circle of people has discarded me like so much dryer lint. There are all kinds of examples, but I’d rather not resurrect any more of that crap from the past, than i have already done here, by way of explanation.

The point is, this person (The Ex) has never given me any reason to respect ANYTHING she might want. She never showed any respect to me at all. And I’m aware of, and am now recalling, how many times I took the high road with all that, and how many times, i erred on the side of “being nice” and “doing the right thing.” Being honorable only got be a boot in the teeth. And it got me ostracized from my own life. I became the Historical Pariah of that Clique of people. That Clique that is now all intertwined again in more musical projects together.

So now, I’m supposed to take down that little inscription photo, as if I had been reprimanded like a child, take it on the chin, and grin and shuffle and say “Yes massah”?

I don’t fucking think so.

It makes me want to have it printed in the newspaper in a full page ad.

If someone asks me to protect their privacy, I would normally do that–I don’t infringe on that unless a person has betrayed me, and then I just don’t care. It becomes material for my own evolution, community property for others to mull over and perhaps learn from, and fodder for my writing.

And yes, sometimes it becomes my own paltry revenge, the only way I know how. Someone screws me over, and they usually end up being an exceedingly unlikeable character in one of my books. This, in lieu of tire slashing or keying their car. I am patently nonviolent. My wars are usually intellectual ones.

So, to a Jury of my Peers….what say you?

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Turn, Turn, Turn

{reposted from Facebook}

I just had a really unsettling experience. I’m trying right now to just calm my thumping heart, and take a breath.

One thing that is no secret about me, is that I don’t have many secrets. I am pretty open. I have to be, because I am a creative person who produces creative material. But I don’t pretend that I’m so special that i don’t have a day to day life with day to day struggles and victories that i wish to share with those in my life. Nor do I pretend that human nature is always simple. There’s something else I make no secret of about myself. I will be the best friend in the world to someone, if they treat me right. But the second they turn on me, all bets are off. A longtime friend with whom I haven’t had much regular contact in recent years, just got really hateful & posted a couple of confrontational and venomous statements to me. I tried to click her on my friends list to write to her and find out what the hell was going on, but discovered she had removed herself from my friends list, so I couldn’t.

BACKSTORY: Earlier today, a friend called and asked my permission to give this person i mentioned above, my new phone number. I told her of course, but was confused because she was on my friend’s list and could have just asked me. A bit later, i wrote to this longtime friend and asked her why she didn’t just ask me for a phone number instead of asking another friend of mine. She was on my friends list. I would have been happy to provide it. But since we hadn’t been in touch a lot lately, I didn’t think to give it to her. I wasn’t hateful, i just wondered why she went through the other friend, instead of simply asking when she was on Facebook posting about her shows. Her response?

“No, I have better things to do than sit on Facebook for hours looking up information. I went straight to a source so that would have it.”

Better things to do than be on Facebook–I guess like THE REST OF US LOSERS. She effectively managed to trivialize the relationships we build by keeping in touch with each other each day. And some of us do want to be able to network according to other things we wish to share, like our music, our writing, our art….She had better things to do…Yet, has no problem using that friends list to announce her performances. I guess it’s just business, then, and not that she really cares about all those people.

It seems the big transgression was that i posted an inscription in a book given to me from an ex gf from TWELVE YEARS ago. I did it because it was a blast from the past & gave me a chuckle. This angry person made that hateful comment, and then I discovered she made another, under the inscription picture i posted. See, she’s still friends with that ex of mine, so that’s the connection. beneath all the other posts on that page, she said:

Facebook is a wonderful tool for staying in touch with friends but digging up personal business and making it public is crossing the line. It absolutely serves no purpose.”

Um—digging up PERSONAL BUSINESS? An ex who wrote that she thought i was an alien sometimes but she loved me? TWELVE FREAKING YEARS AGO?? how personal can that really be? And it only had her first name on it…WTF?

I will say this. I am aware that there’s a group of people from that period in my life who insist on judging me by who I was then, during some pretty tough times for me. I moved on, i tried to evolve, and I even tried to remain friends with them. But no. I was evil. That’s just really sad.

But here’s the part that hurts. I never did anything to this angry longtime friend. We had kept in touch on and off over the years. So why now, is her allegiance to my ex so profoundly strong that she felt the need to attack me for posting an innocuous inscription from ancient history???

Is there something I’m missing here? What is my crime, again?

I have written this because I want it all out there. All honest and no pretense. I always try to take the high road. I always try to do the right thing. Sometimes I screw up, but I always admit to it and try to figure it out and do better. I want to be clear where i stand on this.

So, to Becky Haynes, my longtime friend who decided to attack me unprovoked, I say this with the utmost sincerity:

Fuck off.

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Temporal Anomaly?

Something weird happened to me. One of those things you don’t really notice until you think about it.

Yesterday, i went to bed at around 2:30 a.m., and as usual, continued reading the last of a book. I finished the last few short chapters and then got up to do the ritual things before bed, got back in bed and started a new book, read for about a half hour (no more than a hour), reached to turn the lamp off, and saw that by the clock it was something like 7:30 a.m. I thought–that can’t be right, then recalled that clocks are to be set back, so it was really 6-something, and went to sleep. But I failed to realize at that moment that even losing that hour wouldn’t account for 4 hours of reading, when i KNOW i didn’t read that long- (or i would have almost finished the book–and i NEVER read longer than an hour before getting sleepy. WEll these thoughts didnt’ gel until i awoke at around 7 PM. 11 or 12 HOURS LATER?

So once i gave this some thought, i realized i had lost about 3 or 4 hours of time. I was awake during that time, reading. I do NOT fall asleep reading a book, because i notice when the words stop making sense and i quit there for the night, so i don’t have to re-read it again. And the times when i have fallen asleep, it was because I allowed myself to, and then usually, i awoke from what was really a cat nap. So in the circumstance in which this occurred, it was not possible that i fell asleep and DIDN’T KNOW I FELL ASLEEP. And it wasn’t possible that i “lost track of time” or read for several HOURS longer than i realized……And why did I sleep for 12 hours after that? I wasn’t particularly tired. I hadn’t done anything except write the whole day, as I usually do.

It’s got me thinking. Did i experience some kind of time wormhole? I believe it’s called a temporal anomaly?
I’ll have to look up some information on time variations and oddities.
Any insight from anyone would be welcomed, of course.

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Impatience, M-Theory & the Nihilistic Abyss


It’s a true sign of the times–the impatience that has us standing in front of the countdown of a microwave, shouting “Hurry up!”

Another version of this is jerking the coffee carafe out before brewing is complete, so you can just get some in a cup.

For a while now, this societal impatience has been recognized by java Research and Development teams worldwide. One feature we enjoy in modern life is a coffeemaker with a stop-flow gadget so the coffee won’t drip down onto the warming plate, like little hissing H-bombs in a very tropical Lilliputian1 village. It bakes in a coffee stain. Unsightly.

As lifestyles have changed to reflect the ever-growing age of technology and convenience, we have ironically become more and more inconvenienced by more and more things. We, as a species, are” running out of time.” Or at least that’s how it feels, even to me. I’m always saying “There isn’t enough time” though we all enjoy the same 24 hours, and they all still last 60 minutes each. The only exception to this might be M-Theory which postulates that there are other membranes next to us that we can’t see, but are nonetheless there, and include variations on the existence we experience in our own time-space continuum. (You might visit this blog for an interesting presentation of this from an interesting doctor).

I explore some of these ideas in a novella I am currently writing (among others) called Quintessence. I am fascinated by the idea that there could be other realities we are not privy to, nor have the capacity to comprehend. As Shakespeare, my favorite bard, said, “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

Thus, in the only reality we know, our time-space continuum is for all intents and purposes, fixed, and so anytime a solution for time-wasting is developed, everyone has to have it. This is so that we can go about the business of living our lives with a self-serving delusion in place that will keep us from spiraling into the nihilistic abyss.

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1The Lilliputians, for those of you who missed that Lit class, were miniature people who lived in a village called Lilliput. I recommend this book by Jonathan Swift highly, as well as his story A Modest Proposal, which is a satirical solution to Ireland’s famine in the 18th Century.

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Immortality or Something Like It

The concept of Eternal life (aside from the usual religious variety, and that of the usual vampire tale) is one fraught with profound implications. In the novel, Steel Beach, by one of my favorite authors, John Varley, these implications are explored in a unique way. After an Earth invasion, and the escape of survivors to the Moon, humankind again thrives, though they are now living on Luna, and their environment is provided inside high tech bubbles that maintain breathable air, and when they venture to the surface outside, they have to wear special space suits.

What if modern technology could provide us with instant medical cures and corporeal repairs? What if people could live 200 or 300 years, and almost everything could be fixed? What if you could have your gender changed as easily as you can go get a spa treatment? In Steel Beach, this gender switching, elongated lifespan, an Artificial Intelligence of a “Central Computer” that monitors everything and takes care of it, even on an individual basis, along with a government that provides for the needs of all its citizens, has resulted in a wave of depression and suicidal tendencies. These people find that there is no challenge, no sense of life as something tenuous and precious. The least creative of the bunch seem to suffer most, because they run out of things to be interested in, saddled with such a long lifespan.

Still, were those glitches somehow removed, i can say i would love the idea of living, without the aging process, a life of hundreds of years. I’ve always felt there is never enough time to do and be and investigate all that life is. I can always find something to be interested in and am sometimes depressed by the idea that i won’t have enough time in one life to explore it all. It sort of pisses me off.

In the real world I live in, people who are okay with their lives, at peace with these things that don’t exist for them except in some future incarnation, also seem to be those who have vivid memories of childhood. It’s as if they are more aware of all the years they’ve lived. But since i can recall only scant snapshots of my younger years, I wonder if there’s some correlation between those who can remember their current past and those who can’t. Those folks can really feel their accomplishments in a visceral way–watching children grow, seeing the results of their parenting, getting the gold watch, seeing their stocks pay off, getting a raise, having the house, the new car, the financial security, the deepening partnership with a mate…my only sense of accomplishment seems to rely on the next book I have in print, the song i write and record, the next picture i paint, sculpture i create…and without those trappings of “success” to go along with them, it’s an exceedingly personal accomplishment, without a great deal of validation given by others–it would take major validation like having a mainstream publisher and contract, or having my art placed in a gallery (I’ve only done that once), or someone famous recording one of my songs, since i am not chasing that musical fame train anymore. Why is validation important? I suspect it is because it helps engender a sense of PURPOSE.

Common among the usual variety of people in Varley’s future world, is the statement: “I can’t wait for a day when i can have a vacation, sleep in, stay up late, watch movies, socialize, rest, do what i want.” That’s MY LIFE EVERYDAY. So i am missing that purpose they get in day to day activities… they are missing that free time to do what they want, but i am missing the purpose. The grass is always greener syndrome. Why can’t just doing it for the sake of it be enough for me right now? Is it because life is so limited? Is it because i can’t remember a lot of it? Or because I feel I’ve lost those years and will never have them back, because my body will change, and i will get older and feel the effects of aging, and not enjoy things as i used to? (I’m actually in better shape physically than i have been in the past). Where does this mortality fear come from? Why is it so hard for me to be peaceful in about the limited time I’m given?

In one of the original Twilight Zone stories, “Time Enough At Last” the author (who is, incidentally one of my relatives) writes about how the world as it was known, has pretty much ended, and there’s one man left on Earth, with nothing to do but read. Finally, he can just camp out at the huge libraries and read all those books he would have never had time to read before….

Then his glasses get broken.

He can barely see without them.

So, our bodies betray us, and the Universe or God often seems to betray us, when all we want is to do what brings us joy; to just wallow in the Pursuit of Happiness. Is that too much to ask? Why do we have to trade something we don’t want to trade to have it?

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Phone A Friend


I hung up feeling equal parts indignant, confused, and chagrined.

It seems that one old friend is offended by the fact that i don’t enjoy a relationship that resides exclusively through phone lines; It also seems that while i may have a history with this Phone Friend, this somehow implies that i have a present, as well; I stand accused of giving more to those who are currently present in my day to day life, than to you, old friend–you, who made a valiant effort to destroy me, and then demanded an apology. . . you, whom i haven’t seen in person in three years; you, who might be in my area, but is unable to find a moment to see me. . .

Now, after i have pulled my life out of a gutter of nothingness and futility, managed to win a battle against all odds, and after i have reinvented myself, learned to embrace happiness and laughter, and after i have written and published six books, which you neither buy nor read–you chastise me for not supporting your career–the one that did not lend itself to support, the one you never had–and you remember only that i was pathetic and desperate and barely hanging on; that i traumatized you with my trauma back then, that i embarrassed you with my disability.

I remember that when i was in my darkest days, hungry, exhausted, in pain–you made me watch you buy fish for your aquarium.

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Monster on a Half-Shell

(from an email to an Ex)


…..whew, okay. let me see if I can tackle this one….

My intent in contacting you was simple: I knew we would eventually cross paths and I didn’t want to dredge up the past. I am in a space where I want my life to move forward. I have learned a lot about myself, and about the dark rooms I wandered in for so many years. I cannot begin to tell you how many lights have been switched on. I didn’t like what I saw. As long as it was shrouded in darkness, I could deny its power over me, and the fear and repulsion it engendered in others. I have come to understand in the last few years that I have been ill-equipped to deal with a lot of things. I have my demons, like anyone else. But in knowing about those demons, I cannot pretend they do not exist, simply because I don’t want them to.

I am loathe to wallow in past mistakes, and loathe to reopen those wounds, but for the sake of clarity, I will say that I know I was a difficult person to be around. I was pathetic and depressed and unbalanced. I was eaten alive by fear and pain and confusion and insecurity. The dynamic of you and I together was created by both of us. I simply will not shoulder all the responsibility or the sequence of events, but I will take on the portions that belong to me. I should never have started a relationship with you, simply because I was still so broken hearted and lonely and wounded from my breakup with T. I was an injured child. It was unfair to you to lead you down that path with me. But as I said, I was not equipped to see that at the time. I only knew that there was someone who thought I was somehow special, and she came along when I felt like a useless monster on a half-shell. By the time the fog lifted, I was ensconced in a relationship and then allowed myself to feel obligated to continue, for fear that you would be another person on the list who thought badly of me. The result, as you know, was that those fears were ironically realized by that decision.

You represent 3 years of a profound learning experience, so yes–you are important to me. And yes, I have thought of you; initially with bitterness and pain and frustration, then with more understanding and compassion. Any residual betrayal or anger I felt toward you has long since vanished. That’s part of the growth process–for those who are open to it. But that did not mean I excused myself from the equation. After forgiving you, I had to then forgive myself. I’m not entirely certain I have done that completely. But we are all human, and we have human shortcomings and it would be inaccurate to say that we were not both responsible for what happened. Our last days together were profoundly upsetting. I received information secondhand about things you said I did or said, that I know I did not. I had no idea where you were in your head–we had gone too horribly far to communicate in a healthy way. You knew where all my own triggers were, and you used them against me. I realize now that it was partly a defense mechanism on your part. You used the only weapons you had, because you felt cornered. I have been guilty of the same on many occasions. The chasm between us was built by many differences in our experience, our psyches and our individual demons.

But no matter what you may think of me now, I recognize that you are a person of value and quality, and you have a good heart and a potential for greatness. And I don’t want to use my new strength to carry more burdens. I was constantly frustrated by the continual siege upon my psyche, brought by my battle with the VA, with a family who abandoned me, and an overwhelming feeling that I was blindly feeling my way through my life. I had great expectations for starting fresh, but all I managed to do was take the chaos with me. For as you know…the most formidable chaos is the one we carry within. And I could not run far enough to release myself from its grip. I was lucky enough to meet someone who was equipped to show me those things with a firm and loving hand, and am eternally grateful to her. We remain the closest and dearest of friends and I love no one more deeply than I love her. But I know that until I reach a space where I am at peace with my life, I cannot inflict myself on a partner on a daily basis. I would be bringing half a person to the relationship.

I have many things to build right now. Many roads to travel, and many ghosts to face. I am finally prepared to do that, and that’s one reason I knew that I had to come back here. I had to make this place a place of possibility, rather than of doom; a refuge rather than a battlefield. I had to face these things head on, and be able to hold my head up and know that with all the mistakes I’ve made, others made mistakes as well, and I remain a person with something to offer. I just have to offer it in a way that does not suck the life out of those around me.

I am more content than I have ever been, and I do feel very much like this is the first chapter of a new book–the series that is my life. I can put an entirely different story on these pages. I can do nothing to change what was already committed to print in previous “books.” It’s a journey, and I am on it, now, without the old constraints. I can only hope the path will be more smooth than the last time.

I want to start LIVING my life for once. I want to be social, have fun, experience the pleasure of creation in art and writing and music, and I want to avoid those dark rooms that serve only to keep me bound within my own sickness.

I hope that answers at least some of your questions.

Peace.

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