karma | Synaptic Circus of Kelli Jae Baeli

What Money Can Buy

I was at the store, returning some merchandise and then grabbing a few things while I was there. When i checked out, I used two gift cards, expecting to still pay a remainder in cash, since I had bought three shirts. I was pleased to see that the bill was not as high as I expected, and then started for the door. halfway there, I noticed the shirts were still draped over the basket, but they had been right there in plain site of the cashier. As I neared the security device, I thought Well, if these were not paid for, that thing will go off...it didn’t, so I continued on, my mind full of the next hundred things I needed to do. When I got out to the Cherryot, (the name I gave my new-to-me red Blazer) I dug the receipt out and looked it over. All the stuff in bags was listed, but the shirts weren’t on the receipt. I checked the other two gift card receipts. Not there either.

This is the part where you have to make those crucial decisions about your own ethics.

Everything had been going so well for me lately. My luck had finally shifted. All that past bitterness about always being the best person I could be, even when there was no reward and seemingly many punishments for it, had dissipated. Maybe three free shirts is my karmic reward for all the crap I went thorough, and all the times I did the right thing, even if everyone else did otherwise. Even if it cost me dearly. Even if it hurt like hell. And I thought maybe this was my little treat from the Universe.

I started to sense that gnawing little guilt-beaver in my gut…

Bullshit, came the other, more discerning voice in my head. Go pay for the shirts.

I knew that I would not have made it out of the parking lot with those shirts, anyway. I would have been watching for cops, getting paranoid…Just because I didn’t get caught, didn’t make it okay. The fact that I had a tiny moment wherein I tried to justify an unethical decision, made me feel even worse about it. That’s when I knew I musn’t ever let some misplaced bitterness alter what I believe myself to be, at my core. And someone who takes advantage of an oversight like that, is simply not who I wish to be.

I went back inside and explained it to the clerk. She touched me on the arm and said, “Thank you. Most people would have kept going.”

“You’re welcome.” I told her.

She was effusive in her gratitude, saying that it would have come out of her check. No telling what that could have meant for her. It wasn’t much, but it still mattered.

Still, I know I didn’t do it for that reason–I hadn’t even thought of that. I did it because it was who I wanted to be. I gave her the cash to settle up, and on my way out of the store, I felt lighter, and smiled. Guilt gone. Proud to be me.

Sometimes money really can buy peace of mind.

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December 27th, 2007

RELATIONSHIPS

My Hands That Close to Your Neck

In anticipation of an upcoming Ethical Dilemma, i am striving to prepare myself for a choice i might have to make. I want to make the choice that gives an accurate impression of who I am; and who I am is someone who wants to be ethical, evolved, yet not at all an oil pan for the machinations of the morally corrupt.

Here’s the situation: I live in a small town, where all your actions can affect how you are viewed, your ability to exist in that town, or do business, or simply live in harmony; and that view can be reflected back to you with dizzying speed. I am to be involved in a public event soon, and worry that i might cross paths with a particular person, whom I’ll call the Big Eraser (inspired by my need to forget my association with her). This person lived in my home, used my things, brought no belongings, and in fact had none–only a white garbage sack of items…not due to youth (this person is pushing 40), and not due to an inability to be self-supporting. She had made a proclamation that she wanted to buy me a car to replace my van which had recently died, and said this would be her way of repaying me for all I’d done for her. Then I get a call from the owner of the car lot who had the note, and he told me the payments were behind several months. I knew nothing of this. SO I had to make arrangements to pay off the rest of the car. Her appreciation was ultimately exemplified by leaving me holding the proverbial bag. I had been loving, generous and supportive to B.E., and what i got in return was sloth, abuse, lies, deceit and eventual admissions of hatred after she cornered me, ground her boot into my toe (breaking it), threw me into a coffee table, {see photo of bruise} and I called the cops to remove her from my home.

This person had treated me with disregard, cost me money, frustration and stress, and at the end, caused me physical harm. That’s where I drew the line. (nowadays I draw the line way before most of that). But she managed to get away with her behavior for various reasons. I thought maybe she needed someone to just love her and show her what she had never had from anyone, including her family. My efforts to show her compassion and love was wasted. I learned some important lessons–I believe that everyone with whom we cross paths can be seen as a teacher. We don’t have to like them for that to be true.

So, this is a small town, as I mentioned, and I fully expect B.E. to attend this public event, and that might necessarily put me in a position to provide a service to B.E., should that request be made. It’s important to note that this service is Therapeutic Touch, and therefore requires me to impart love and healing–the last thing i feel I am capable of giving to her.

My response to this hypothetically anticipated request will also be rather public, and while i don’t want to seem like a bitch, I also don’t want to appear a doormat, nor do i wish to impart “reward” or seem to condone or approve of B.E., only for the sake of social graces. I am not disingenuous enough to pretend i have affection for her. Add to this, the fact that B.E. has repeatedly avoided karmic debt, and it irks me that B.E. has been able to charm around and over everyone until they personally experience the truth of who B.E. really is. This is a person who is an alcoholic, and whom i witnessed buying alcohol for minors, was a self-confessed former drug dealer/maker, who damaged or perhaps was responsible for the deaths of an unknown number of people–maybe even kids–and had the unmitigated gall to brag about it. This is a person who has lied to others (including myself, initially) about burn scars, stating that they were received in some heroic gesture, when really the burns were received in a drug lab fire while cooking Methamphetamine. Yet B.E. has managed to snow everyone else, it seems, and supposedly was hired for federal job, even with a criminal past, a history of dodging taxes, and without a GED or High School Diploma. Anyway, in regard to my response to B.E. in this scenario, I have a generalized angst attached, i.e.,”Why do good things happen to bad people?”

Now, an argument can be made that The Wheel of Karma spins on its own, and does not require that we manually turn it. If a karmic debt is due, it will be paid, one way or another, and it is the most healthy thing for me to keep my hands off that wheel. I remind myself of this frequently, when I have to deal with people like B.E.

Back to the Public Event in which I might cross paths with this person: Should B.E. approach my area and say, “I’d like a treatment,” my response is crucial for many reasons. In my mind, i have conjured possible responses to such a request:

“Fuck you.” (anger
“Are you out of your mind? Get out of my face, Loser.” (anger + judgment +confrontation)
(suggested by my best friend:) “I would love to give you a treatment. . .but for you, it will cost $700, because that’s one of the debts you left for me.” (sarcasm + bitterness)
“It’s not a good idea for me to have my hands that close to your neck.” (sarcasm + veiled threat)
“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” (avoidance + statement of fact)
“Sorry, I’m on a break.” (avoidance + a lie + non-confrontation)
“Let me think about that for a while. (avoidance + nonconfrontation)

The last choice seems the best one, overall, for me, but I’m still not sure. It is important to me that i make choices rooted in an evolved mind…my more primitive side wants to lash out. My intellectual side wants to take a firm stance and my spiritual side wants to put only loving things into my environment and those around me, because that’s what i want to get back. I am a great fan of having all those parts of myself satisfied, yet i suspect this isn’t possible. I have to choose. If i choose the “High Road” and say, “Sure, sit right down here and let me give you some love and healing.” Then i feel i have chumped myself, compromised my integrity, become spineless, have condoned reprehensible choices, and somehow validated B.E.’s evil ways. Why would i want to assist someone in their misbehavior? If I allow myself to become angry, I’m ultimately just hurting myself with stress, and giving B.E. power i don’t wish her to have. If i avoid B.E. and the situation, i feel cowardly, yet B.E. will probably order another beer and wander off, and i won’t have to deal with it further…

Of course, this scenario might never unfold, but i don’t feel my consideration and energy is moot; I still need to understand how to deal with it, and i still need to ask myself these types of questions.

And I still don’t know the answers to these questions.

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August 21st, 2007

growth, Shakespeare

All The World’s A Stage…

As a person who embraces Spiritual Metaphysics as a belief system, I always try to find correlations. I look for the details that will bring sense to the senseless, or enlightenment to the confusion. One thing I have recently added to my understanding is that astrology is much more than the position of a planet when your were born. There is a deeper meaning. I think we are all born under the signs that will facilitate the growth we need to have. So maybe it’s not so much “I’m a Gemini, I’m just that way” but “I’m a Gemini and those traits are things I need to look at, and bring into harmony in this life,” or “those are the traits that will allow me to experience certain dynamics that will cause my most beneficial growth…” This is in alignment with my belief in karma and Dharma and reincarnation. We have a purpose for being here in this life, and it is to work through the growth of our souls. I could not be here without purpose, and wouldn’t want to be. Our existence has to have meaning.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.”

The infamous bard was referring to the seven types of parts we play within each life. But it occurred to me that this analogy can be stretched to encompass so much more. It can be a way to comprehend the greater purpose we all have in EACH life we live.

I view my place in this life as analogous to playing a part; me, on a stage, playing a role. The character I play is my self in this life, in this body, with the traits born in me. I understand that it’s just a role, but I have a responsibility to do a good job and to please my audience and to be supportive to the other actors. If I break character, I don’t honor my responsibility, and I mess it up for everyone else. The other players always include some antagonist too, but no matter what that antagonist did during the “play,” all the actors meet for the wrap party, and they were all friends, and they all talked about what a great experience they just had together. Because in that space, they know that it was a play, and now they were back to their true selves.

Quantum Physics tells us that reality is merely a projection of the human mind, but in this life, I need to pretend those other characters are real, as is the script, the stage, and the place it is being presented, because I am here to accomplish a task. In order to pull it off, I must willingly suspend my own disbelief. I also chose this part, (and the ones before, and the ones to come) and made a commitment to see it through. Opening Night is when I took my first breath at birth, and my Final Curtain is when this shell I know as my body takes its last breath. It won’t mean I can’t choose another part, it just means this one is finished. I will be moving on to bigger and better roles; becoming a better actor through experience, and perhaps mentoring other young actors along the way. There is method to the madness after all.

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September 1st, 2004

news, rape

Defining Rape

I don’t pretend to know the truth one way or another about the Kobe Bryant case…This woman could be just trying to capitalize on the wealth and fame of a sports celebrity. She could have a legitimate complaint. She could be merely embarrassed that she engaged in sexual activity and then thought better of it later. She could feel that she wanted to stop, but wasn’t strong enough to say so.

Regardless, all i do know is that often there are gray areas, and that this case has brought up some interesting issues.

The thing that interests me is the dynamic of screaming rape when there is some question as to definition. To me, rape can be defined as penetration of any kind in either genital orifice, against the will of the person being penetrated.

The question then becomes one of what I mean by “against the will of.” If a woman places herself in a sexual situation, she is essentially expressing a permission to at least engage in SOME amount of sexually oriented activity, even if it is only kissing or touching. She is then responsible for being clear about what her intentions and limits are. Should she change her mind or reach her own boundary, which she has a perfect right to do, and then does not have the personal power to say “Stop” or “No” firmly and clearly, how is the other person to know that the situation has changed, when all other signals have told him otherwise?

Therefore, when a woman begins a process of sexual activity, and then remains mum when she changes her mind, there can be no rape, unless you say she has essentially raped herself…If she knows she is not strong enough to communicate her own will, then she has no business placing herself in any sexual situation to begin with.

This assessment does not include, naturally, situations in which the woman is incapable of speaking or communicating, incapacitated, incompetent, or not of the age of consent. Those situations fall into other categories.

A friend of mine told the story of someone she knew who had an applicable situation happen to her. This woman got drunk with a male friend, and the two of them went back to one of their houses, and she consented–actually requested–that he perform oral on her. Some time during the process, she passed out, and he was just drunk enough not to notice or not to care, and he then had intercourse with her. The next day,the girl stated, she questioned him when she awoke and found him naked from the waist down. He admitted openly what had happened. The girl then decided she had been raped. Now this is a prime example of what I’m talking about. Getting drunk was her responsibility; getting sexual with him was her responsibility; inviting him to perform oral on her was, too, and the mere fact that she opened herself up to him by asking and by removing her clothes, indicated clearly that she was open to sexual activity. How did he know she meant that was the only type of sexual activity? That she passed out is a moot point, since she was the one who allowed herself to get drunk in the first place.

Now if this situation had been a bit different, such as, the woman told him they were going back to her place to sleep it off, directed him to a sofa, and their clothes remained on, and there were no sexual invitations…then what he did would then be considered rape. Especially if she had said no and he did it anyway; but also if she had been unconscious and he took advantage. This in no way releases her from her responsibility in that she voluntarily became incapacitated, but that does not mean she deserved to be raped.

There are also situations in which a woman allows herself to be raped, such as when her children, sleeping in the next room, are threatened, and she chooses to be violated rather than endanger them. This is still rape.

Then there’s that issue of women who dress provocatively and flirt, and men who think this is a license to have sex with them, even if the women say No. Men are responsible for behaving themselves as well and cannot use a woman’s teasing or moral turpitude or revealing clothing as an excuse to force sex upon them–this would be rape. Women of this ilk do generally create unfortunate circumstances for themselves by constantly “stirring the coals” as it were. Our behavior has repercussions. That’s the law of Cause and Effect: Karma. They should be willing to take responsibility for at least perpetuating the situation. But i still do not buy the argument that they “had it coming” or “wanted it.” Unless, of course, they state that they DO or DID.

Essentially, i don’t like it when women tease and manipulate men, when they have no intention of follow-through, just as i don’t like men who blame their misbehavior on their “manhood.”

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