(AKA; 50 First Dates)Excerpt from ISO (In Search Of): The Art of Dating, Relationships & Sex For the Discerning Lesbian
I was talking with a friend about dating (What a shock–is there any other subject on my mind these days?) and how I need to learn to just enjoy the process of dating since I’ve never been able to do that. I was in the U-Haul crowd, all my relationships overlapped and when there was a romance, a spark, it just segued into being a couple right away. I feel I have missed out on the joys of just having a good time with a woman. I have decided I need to just enjoy it. I joked that I need to have 50 First Dates, before I allow myself to get serious with anyone. It doesn’t have to be serious. Just because I go out with someone, it doesn’t mean I have to see them as longterm partner material……I must remain open…that’s the advice I give my friends, anyway. Look at me, giving advice on something I suck at.
..those who can’t, TEACH…
What happens is, if I am attracted to a woman, and I kiss her, and it’s a good kiss, a kiss that lights a fire, then my thoughts become very testosterone-like. I think about what it might be like to make love with her…then I get more excited, and all my lofty ideas and good intentions go out the window in favor of that instant gratification…everyone wants to feel good and let’s face it, arousal feels good. It’s rather like a drug. You just want it to continue and maybe increase…and what if this girl has a great personality, is attractive, and I am Sparkin’ on her, and what if she’s also a good kisser, whose lips match mine, and then I keep it simple and don’t go all the way…then I’m investing in her.
An example of lips that
don’t match mine
And what if, when we do make a commitment, and make love, I hate it? What if she’s bad in bed? then what? (or God Forfend, she feels that I AM bad in bed)–I’m not. Finding the right mate is so much like finding the right job…we really are interviewing everyone we date. Will we get along? Are we of like mind? Will the environment be to my liking? Is there financial trouble? Will there be a chance of advancement? Is there any security? Will I be passed over later, dumped, set aside for someone younger, more vibrant?
I wish those high-horsers would just get over themselves and realize that it’s not shallow to be prudent, not superficial to want what we want, and not in the least insensitive to admit when something is just not a happenin’ thing. Yet I realize there are ways to do that with the fewest casualties. Ultimately, though, I cannot be responsible for everyone else’s feelings. I tend to do that, and then I just get all stressed out worrying about how everyone else is feeling, to the exclusion of how I’m feeling…ostensibly, we are all adults, and should able to handle the ups and downs of life and romance.
In our discussion, my friend said, “Well, I think if I could just get some good sex–”
But that argument doesn’t wash for me, because I know that good sex means MEANINGFUL, going-somewhere sex. It means a connection with someone. The proverbial SPARK. Now I suppose I could learn to do the casual sex thing–as long as it was SAFE SEX, and as long as I was really Sparkin’ on the woman. But is that really who I am? Or is it who I could have been, if I’d had a normal dating life all these years? Is it too late for the old girl to change?
Those who can, DO…